Feel for a stranger.

Okay.

I’m one day away from the second phone call with my aunt Jerldine and I am JUST now feeling the effects of finding my father.

Just now.

In this moment.

It actually started yesterday, I found myself scratching my face constantly, with nothing there to aggravate the skin. Today, at lunch, I found myself binging - not a lot, of course, because I can’t eat at lot. But I ate more than I should have by spacing my bites. I had a lap-band bing.

(49 ounces of salad (no lettuce, just cheese, bacon, italian dressing, tomatoes & cucumbers) and 45 minutes later I had a frozen banana & peanut butter.)

I knew what I was doing, but didn’t stop. I just slowed down.

Now I feel guilty. I feel as though I always feel guilty. I do stupid shit, even when I know and realize it’s wrong. Things unlike me.

I don’t know why I do them. I could make excuses. I could do the ’daddy never loved me’ card, it’s my right - but when it comes down to it, I do these things to feel something, I guess. Alive. Awake.

I have felt so old for so many years. I took on adult responsibilites at such a young age and never got to experience any type of ’wildness’. Not to say I’m wild, no - I just don’t know what it feels like.

And when I think about how hard my life has been, food stamps, ghetto-living, growing up on welfare and minimum wage, mom’s broken back & stroke, working my ass off to provide for us for the past 11 years...doing most everything on my own...and to find the father who abandoned us before I was even born.

It, honestly, makes me nasuseas.

I want to eat to make it all go away. I want to escape.

I never thought I’d ever find him. I always assumed he was dead. The govenment couldn’t even find him for child support.

...and now that I know. Now that my mom says "he’s probably just a sad old man..." The bitter taste in my mouth has no sympanthy. No empathy.

And believe me, I’m queen of empathy. People take advantage of that. Especially the men like my father who I just happen to always date.

I don’t really feel anything for him. Mom says I should see him. I said "Why? Did he take advantage of the right he had to see me?"

While I know I am a LOT better person without him, why should I show this stranger any type of respect?

Yes, he donated to the cause of my birth. But guess what, another person did too and for 26 years I thought he was my father until he tried to have sex with me and I had to have a DNA test. If that’s not a fucked up Maury episode, I don’t know what is.

So yeah, Daddy issues run deep.

Right now, I am more concerned about the mental health issues he has. Will the affect me? Will I have his diease?

And all those people who blame their issues on the ’daddy never loved me’ card can really just kiss my ass. While I might have emotional issues, I can walk away from this computer right now and act as though nothing in the world is bothering me.

I’m not sure if that is a good thing or bad.

But I do know that TuPac lyrics are standing out to me right now:

Ain’t nobody tell us it was fair
no love for my daddy, cause the coward wasn’t there
he passed away and I didn’t cry
cause my anger, wouldn’t let me feel for a stranger
they say i’m wrong and i’m heartless
but all along I was looking for a father--he was gone