The lonely salad.

The lonely salad.
Current mood: sad

Today I came home, checked the mail - turned some lights on and we went straight up the hospital.

My granny has gotten worse since yesterday. The nurses say that her body is just so weak that it's not responding like they had hoped to the medicine. She isn't talking anymore. She will follow your finger with her eyes - and she attempts to smile. Her face lite up with reconization when I leaned over her and said "Hi, pumpkin pie, I told you I'd be back today..."

Me & Matt eventually made our way down to eat. He went to go smoke first. I made myself a salad - then went over to the drink machine. The sprite wouldn't come on - I kept putting my cup under it with nothing coming out but sputter. I teared up - and just walked away from it. I paid for my salad, and sat alone eating it.

It was probably the loneliest salad I have ever had.

Matt & Riley came back and ate with me. Then went back up the room. We were there maybe another hour when the nurses came to move her to ICU.

The ICU waiting room was so full & uncomfortable I found myself getting restless. I walked down to the chapel, where I found Matt playing the out of tune piano.

It was weird being in the chapel - something just came over me. Matt was looking at the bible. I sat there, staring at a dove on the stained-glass. I found myself saying aloud "I think god is dead."

It's not that I believe that. I don't. Matt knows I don't. I know I don't.

Matt got quiet, still looking down at the bible, then said "And God said unto Moses, I am that I am."

I said "No, I don't think God is dead. I just don't understand why things happen the way they do."
Matt says "I don't think anyone does. We just make the best of it."
"I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay."
"I know. Just don't lose what you know is true..you know he's there. And you know he listens."

Matt is the best cousin a person could have.

We walked back up and I got to go see her before I left. She was so sedated, her eyes are just glossed over and she doesn't look at you when you talk to her. She just stares into space.

I know God isn't dead. But I sure know my salad was lonely.