Alone.

I'm not good at being a guy.

It has been decided.

I went and bought a new computer chair, because my other one went to shit. I pieced it all together, but I cannot get the back on to save my life. So, I am sitting here in a half-ass chair. But at least it's something, I guess.

Honestly, sitting here in my half-ass chair, I have never felt so alone. I feel really, really alone. I AM alone. I DO have my friends, that is more than most people - but...I'm alone. Alone and lonely. Wow, I never thought I could type alone as much as I have in this paragraph. Maybe if I keep typing it, I'll feel better. Alone. Alone. Alone.

No....it's not working. In fact, none of the normal stuff that makes me glee is working lately. I find myself just staring at the computer screen or TV. Without really watching....or looking....just....staring.

I guess everything I am feeling is understandable. Part of grief.

People hug me, people say they are sorry, pat me on the back - and I know that they mean it. I do. They are there for me. Their support really means the world. Even people who I don't know that well. Or people I haven't heard from in years. The little somethings always mean something.

But, right now, I wish I could go to the woods and just scream. Wake up from this nightmare. Or just be held by someone who will let me cry.

The one person who I could go to in times like this. Times when I feel less like myself. Times when all the chips have fallen - and I haven't won one hand. Times when I was lost and confused. That person has now left my life.

And left me in a half-ass chair. Alone.