The real me.

"Because I'm learning that a friends just a friend
until they are allowed inside...
And once the bars are removed, they
might just see something that they don't like..."
- Chris Carpenter

I have been having some deep thoughts lately. I think it all has to do with self-inventory, the person I was - the person I am - the person I am becoming.

Not that anything is wrong, no - I am actually good.

But, re-evaluating is a part of life. If you don't see the person you are...or the person you portray - how do you really know yourself?

In the past couple of days I have had some very interesting conversations.

The first would be a guy who has lied to me a lot. He & I have issues to work out, trust is gone and the friendship is teetering. He admitted that he lied because he was scared for me to know the 'real him'. That he isn't the best person. That he has made mistakes. That he isn't someone that he thinks I'd like. That he doesn't want to 'corrupt' me.

This isn't the first time I have had this conversation with someone. It all feels very deja vu.

The second conversation would be with an ex who is now a friend. We have seen each other at our best and seen each other at our absolute worse. We have been through more shit than two people probably could ever go through. But, somehow - we have become...comfortable. As weird as that sounds. He has seen the bitch in me, and I have seen the asshole that he usually is. For a long time, he kept his real self from me. It was hard to know the truth, still can be. But the respect is there. The respect for our past. The respect for our future apart. The respect for each other.

It can be odd to reflect and know that someone knows you, the real you, and still loves you just the same. That this person doesn't care what may have happened to you - or the shit you have suffered together. They have seen you at your rawest, at your lowest...and are still there.

Letting someone that close can be hard. I'll be the first to admit it. I keep my distance. Getting close to me is a challenge, and I don't make it easy. Especially if you have a penis.

But, I am now thinking to myself - is that WHY people want me to see the person they think I want to see? Do I portray a person who will judge you? who will drop you if I find out something you are ashamed of? who will walk away if you do something stupid? who is too good for them?

Because if that is what I am portraying, if that is what people think of me, I need to do something to change that. I would never ever do that.

However, it's hard to tell people to trust you when you, yourself, have a hard time trusting.

But...then again, that is just a part of me that needs work. The real me.