When you look back at your wasted life, and you don’t see me..

When I read Natalie's latest blog, she mentioned her daddy issues and how she hopes her sons do not have issues with Kenny when they get older.

I have thought a lot about blogging about mine. Everything I can relate back to, everything in my head, everything....every struggle - I have placed a lot of the blame on him. I guess that is fair. Maybe, maybe not. I could careless. While I take responsibility for my actions as an adult....he has been probably the deepest, most personal, most...bitter issue that I have faced.

And I have dealt with it my entire life.

From my abandonment issues, to my fear of men. From my depression, to my stuggle to stay sane.

Everything falls back to the man who walked away from me as a fetus.

Yea, he wasn't even man enough to see me.

Deeeep breath.

Yea..

I cannot say I 'hate' him. Because you can never hate someone you have never met.

I can say that when I think of him, it's only bitterness on my tongue.

Look at me. Okay, so I'm not anything to write home about, but I have more personality than a wet mop. And the one person who is suppose to be there? Suppose to guide me? Suppose to be there to lean on? Yeah, he dropped me before he even laid eyes on me. Tell me that's fair.

I'm sure he had his reasons. I am unsure if I would meet him now. But, I would like to know my other family. Brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandparents...

I know I am a better person without him and his bipolar ways. I know that I wouldn't be me if he had stuck around.

But I sometimes cannot help but wonder if things wouldn't have been so hard on me. If I could have continued my education. If I didn't have to become an adult so fast. If I didn't have to be raised poor. If my entire life had been different if he had just given me a chance.

....I doubt it though. I probably would have killed myself by now.

I do wish she hadn't of burned all the pictures though. A small blurry picture doesn't give me what I need. I would like my other family. I would like to know my brother. I'd like to see if he looks like me. I'd like the feeling of being an aunt. And I'd like to NOT have a thought in the back of my head of 'is this guy I could be falling in love with, my brother?'

Yeah, that's a soap opera waiting to happen.

You'd really think that a man named "Nancel" wouldn't be hard to find. That motherfucker is either dead or changed his name.

And you'd also think that I wouldn't care enough to spend my time blogging about him. Obviously, he never spent that much time on me.