Stumbling off the wagon.

I've had an "off" kind of two weeks. Not in my attitude or health-wise - but more emotional wise. I noticed yesterday that something being off effects everything else. A lot of people say that this is an excuse. But, it makes sense.

Ya see, I, like most people, live my life on a budget. If anything gets off the budget or costs more than it should - everything else gets screwed.

To get Poppy here for my birthday, it was $120 round-trip. I am not complaining - him being here was the most special of occasions. But $120 took a hunk out of my monthly budget.

Also, gas prices are about to kill me. $4 a gallon is tough, even for someone who gets good gas mileage.

I was off my anti-depressants for a week. Paying for Poppy to go back so soon, I was having difficulty, running my car on mere fumes, for three days. No less the extra $20 for co-pay of my meds.

Being off my meds for a week really changed me. Quitting cold turkey is never good. I notice a difference in myself. I feel things deeper, I cry, and I eat....a lot. I'm sure it's all emotional and hormonal - considering some of the food I ate this week I never really touch.

I didn't sleep well, I couldn't concentrate, felt bloated and unhappy. No exercising. I'd snap at people and was extremely touchy. But, I didn't care. I didn't care about a lot of stuff. I had self-destructive behavior within just a week.

Yesterday morning, I stepped on the scale. And, it was a crushing blow.

I gained 8 pounds. 8. Eight pounds in a week.

Talk about getting smacked in the face with reality.

I fell off the wagon. Or more stumbled off and got hit by the passing truck.

And I could say "gas prices caused me to gain weight" - but I'm not. I know it was all me. Being unstable on my own, without something to stabilize my anxiety, causes emotional turmoil. I cannot do it again.

I felt fat, ugly & insecure yesterday. I wanted to just not eat all day - but I knew I couldn't do that - that is as unhealthy as over-eating. But I did calm down some after getting my prescription, finally. I reeeally didn't feel like going to the graveyard for the family reunion - but we did it anyway. And it was nice. Very nice.

I did see Joe & Kara here for their visit. Joe was so drunk, I doubt he remembers it. And I'm glad I was less edgy later last night, or I might have snapped and not meant to.

Today I slept all day. This is my meds calming down my brain. Kinda chillin' me out. I have had no anxiety today. I haven't ate much, but that is the way it's SUPPOSE to be.

I talked to Poppy this morning. Wishing him a happy poppy day. He said that was the first time he had been wished a happy father's day - ever. I am unsure if this is true, but it was still nice.

We'll be celebrating when he comes back next month.