Khoda.

God & I have had our issues. Our moments. Throughout my life, I have had my moments of doubt. The most recent was last year - while Gran was dying - sitting in the hospital chapel with Matt and saying "I think God is dead."

I had lost my faith.

My faith that had been so strong when I was younger. Especially during adolescence. How could have have sunk so low to think that god didn't exsist? How did I have the balls to sit in a place of comfort and worship and say it aloud? Who did I think I was?

I'll tell you who I was.

I was a lost little girl.

My life sunk. I sunk. And my faith in God sunk.

God & I have had many conversations since that night. A lot of heart to hearts.

Re-building faith is never easy. Especially when you're not sure where exactly to pin-point where you lost it.

My aunt doesn't make things easy.

She never does.

"Good christians don't go to bars."
"I go to bars."
"You're not a christian. You're not an anything."
"Ooooh...thanks for that one. So, what do good christians do? sit at home and read the bible all the time?"
"No, good christians do not go to dingy places to meet someone."
"How do good christians know that bars are dingy if they don't go to them?"
"Movies, TV!"
"Ooooh, so movies are real. Which means that Ariel is under the sea...so, let's just say this: You think I'm a whore, which you have stated numerous times. And I think you are a close-minded prude."

Yeah. This is a typical conversation between us.

So, I will say what I know.

I know that my god loves everyone.

Gay, straight.
Black, white.
Purple, yellow.
Big, small.
My god encourages others to be themselves.
My god lets everything happen for a reason.

And if I'm wrong, so be it. MY god loves me.