Playing games with a player.

Sometimes I wonder what....exactly I am doing.

It is common knowledge that George is a player. And into mindgames. He likes them, and lord knows before I realized how he was - I fell into his trap. I, honestly, didn't know what a player was.

No wait, I take that back. I knew. I used to be best friends with Trever Glover.

But I was never in Trever's line of fire.

I could, right now, stop talking to George - hanging out with him, being around him, sleeping with him...and I don't think I'd give a shit.

So, my question is, why do I feel bad?

It's not like he seems to care. I think I am just a convience. Someone to fuck when he has a chance. And....that's fine with me? This isn't me. I am not like this. Am I at rock bottom and don't even realize it?

But, when I try to leave - try to tell him to leave me alone. He starts calling constantly, showing up unannouced. But, when we are actually talking, we spend more time aurguing than anything.

We were bickering last night. My mom asked me if things were okay when I went to the kitchen. I said "Yeah, you heard us?" she said "I thought, they are at it again..."

He says he's just an asshole who can't get enough of me. "Why, because I'm a bitch who doesn't take your shit?" "Yes, because you fight back."

I'm a challenge, I suppose.

And there is a very tiny part of me that thinks "is it me? have I become so fucking hard and cold that this will be my relationships from now on?" - but I know deep down that isn't true. If I had someone that I knew I could trust...that actually took the time to get over my wall - I think I could take a chance. At least I almost did about a month ago. But that is a different story.

Back to my point, I'm getting him to be more honest with me. But, getting him to talk to me - OPENLY - is like trying to get lemon juice from peanut butter. He's lied so many times about so many big ass things. And his....whatever she is - bitch? - she would never make any type of meaningful relationship with him easy.

I guess that is why I really don't care. I don't know if, at this point, he is worth even trying to get along with. My girlfriends would agree with me, I know.

I don't want someone to fight with. Not for the long term.

I'm not that girl.

Someone recently told me that you have to play games to get guys. I have never been into that, not since I matured. I'm into saying what I feel and walking away if someone doesn't feel the same.

...and if this is what playing games with a player feels like.....

....no wonder so many girls feel bad about themselves.