Cracks in the floor.

If you are seeing this, you are probably seeing my default.

When I found that pic of me & my gran, I stared at it for a good 2 minutes without blinking.

I know that I talk a lot about weight in my blogs. I talk a lot the way the world treats us differently. How much my life has changed. But, looking at that pic - it all became so much clearer. Kinda like actually being able to lift a veil. To see with definition.

In that picture, I can honestly say - I was close to 500lbs. Of course, I couldn’t weight on my doctors scales. I was 23 years old and the unhappiest I have ever been. While I will never be ashamed to show a picture of me & my gran....as I type this, my lower lip quivers.

I asked my mom an honest question: "Do you think she’d be proud of me?"

She smiled, lovingly and replied "She’d say "Lord have mercy, you’re goin’ fall through the cracks in the floor!"

I laughed.

I, by all scales, have lost more than 100lbs since that picture.

Today, I visited Dr Morton’s office for a check-up. As I sat among the people who are either filling out forms to start the process or have had surgery. They sat, small talk, discussions about surgeries, their doctors, CNN on the tv...the chairs, which are made wider, pushed together for some. One woman came in, wheelchair bound because of her massive amount of stomach.

I remembered the 23 year old girl in the above picture. I was suffocating in my own body. I looked down at myself now, the baggy sweat pants that used to be too tight. The 18/20 t-shirt that fits perfectly to my new frame. And I could not believe how small I felt.

I’m not small. Not by all means. I was smaller in high school. But I have never felt as small as I do now. It’s probably the inches.

The lady beside me was 70 years old, she had lap-band 2 weeks ago. Her granddaughter had brought her today for her check-up. Her addiction to food came after her husband died 5 years ago.

The girl across from us, she was 23-26. She had her surgery 1 year ago. She lost 70lbs.

The woman beside her had her surgery in August, she has lost 50lbs.

I asked my nurse about the numbers. "Do the numbers matter as much as I think they do?", because I haven’t lost as much as I’d hoped in 9 months. She said "No. I am not worried about numbers. You seem as though you are in the right place mentally. Once that takes hold - there is nothing going to stop you now."

And she is right.

Life might have been a struggle, physically, for that 23 year old in the picture. But, now at 28, I am finally living a life I want. No one can change me, but me.

And I like it that way.