My adventure with John Herbert Jr.

So, yesterday, Johnny, Amber, My mom & I had planned to go to Fall Creek Falls. We wanted to get away and also take pictures of the fall colors.

Well, our plan didn't go exactly how we wanted, since it took four hours to get Amber hair done(!)

We decided just to go to Sparta, take some pics from Sunset Rock (an overlook we are fond of) and then come back considering Terran Humus was having their first performance at 8:00pm at The Muse.

Alright, so, I was sick all morning from my sinuses. Nothing like not being able to eat or drink because you find yourself vomiting. Blah. On the way to Sparta, I was able to hold down cranberry juice and a beef stick. Yeah, what a meal. But my back was achy from the lunging. ANYWAY...

We get to Highland cemetery. We all knew we wanted to get here, our great aunt finally got a headstone after 50 years of no recognization she was there. We are snapping shots left & right. Amber had never been here, so she is roaming and I see that the section across from my family's hasn't been touched with any feet or racking of leaves. It is gorgeous (as you can probably tell by the pics). The conversation goes as follows:

Me: "Mom, can you hold my camera? I wanna go jump in the leaves."
Mom: "Sure."
Johnny: "It might be wet under them, it has rained recently.."
Mom: "That's true...hmm.."
Johnny: "Maybe you can find a nice headstone to sit on to take some pictures."
Me: "I have clothes for The Muse that I can change into if I get dirty, but yea...hmm..yeah, how about that one?"

This is a small stone that says "John Herbert Jr." beside it is a tall one that says "AUSTIN". I walk over, squat, holding on to the AUSTIN stone for leverage, but my hand slips...and, yeah...I missed. I start laughing...half my ass on John's stone - half my ass on the ground...and my fingers and arm scraped.

They ask me if I'm okay, I say yes - but still laugh, until I actually look at my arm. It's bleeding.

They doctor me with baby-wipes (and later water). By that time, I have finally pulled myself up on the stone. After everything calms down, I just roll off the stone and finally get in my leaves.

Poor John Herbert Jr. Hope he didn't mind. There is now DNA evidence on his stone.

I said later, "Wow, from my vomiting, back ache and clumsy ass - I should have just stayed in bed today."

Keep your pants on, girl.

So, today I am wearing my extra-big Winnie The Pooh sweatshirt. I bought it back in '96 with my camp check. And my grey pj pants - that have no elastic.

It's been a lazy weekend of cleaning & straightening. I had bags of trash to take to the dumpster. And, the more they sat in the kitchen, the more my mom was filling them up and adding more to the pile. I decided, after a small nap, that I needed to get to them before I had to make about 7 trips.

I start with two bags, carrying them over, I pass by a man speaking spanish on his cell. I'm assuming he's talking about his truck, he's waving his hands wildly. I catch his attention as I near, but look ahead to the dumpster.

I come back, two more bags. These are heavier than the last.

As I near the dumpster, I feel my pants slip a little off my hips, but figure they'll hold. As I toss bag one into the pile - yep, I flash all the kids at the playground along with the man on the cell who....stares then starts talking rapidly. I'm sure saying "I just saw this chicks panties!"

Luckily, they didn't fall to my knees. Just enough to make me extremely uncomfortable. And dude got a sneak peek of my goodies.

I think it's time to retire this outfit. Especially the pants. Once they fall down in public, they kinda loose their appeal

Black-faced me.

Black-faced me.
Current mood: amused

So, friday night I dyed my hair black. You know how you get a little dye on your scalp, but it comes off when you wash it? Well, I had a line across my cheek. A line of black.

I scrubbed. I scrubbed. I whined. I scrubbed. I gave up and went to bed.

Woke up, getting ready for shopping with mom. Scrubbed more. Scrubbed more. Nothing. That line wasn't going anywhere.

So, I covered it as much as I could with make-up, and left. First place we stopped was Kroger. She goes in to the post office, I sit in the car and examine my cheek-line.

It's not going anywhere. What the hell?

So, I zoom in to the mirror and see....I have dyed my invisible-girl-peach-fuzz black.

Crap. I have dyed my face. I have a line of black-face!

What to do? What to do?

So, I scrummage through my car and happen to find a razor stuffed in my middle compartment. Just so happens I was running late one morning and shaved on the way to work.

Sitting Kroger parking lot, I shaved my peach-fuzz in the sun-visor mirror. Then I had to even out the sides. As I am gliding the razor along to make sure everything is straight....I realize what I am doing.

I am a woman - shaving her face in the sun-visor of her car on a saturday afternoon in the Kroger parking lot.

I look around, looking for spies. I have no idea if I had actually caught someone's eye what I would say..."I had black-face"?

Bitter boob.

Bitter boob.
Current mood: silly

Amber & Logan joined us for spaghetti tonight. I showed Amber a video tape of my 18th birthday. It's weird, I feel like she has been in my family forever - yet, she hasn't.

Afterward, Logan climbs in my lap for some backyardigan time. We are watching the episode where one of them is dressed up like Sherlock Holmes and trying to find out who stole another one's necklace. I am half paying attention, listening to the conversation between Amber & my mom and absolutely loving the cuddle time with Logan-Bogan. Hard to believe he's about to be three.

I said "Logan, who's your best friend?" he said "ummm...Pa Jim....Uncle Matt....and Riley." Awww...

Everything was kinda quiet....no one was saying much. Amber was chomping on her food. Logan had his m&ms in his hand, when he adjusted some on my lap. I sighed and smiled to myself.

Suddenly, there was a sharp pain throughout my right breast.

"OUCH!" I yelped, pushing him away from me. He giggled. I said "Did you just bite my nipple?!"

It wasn't a nice bite, where you know the person biting is going to make it better eventually - this was angry..."I-want-to-watch-some-Blues-Clues" biting!

We tried to get him to say he was sorry, but he wouldn't.

I finally got better and he climbed back up in my lap, ONLY TO PINCH me on the SAME nipple!

O. M. G!

Dude. Back off of the tits!

Seriously, they aren't in your way, man. You caress them, you don't be MEAN to them.

I said "I'm going to pinch your winky!" Yea, like he's scared or something.

WTF?

They left and I massaged my boob back to normal from the torture. My mom calls and said "Logan has something to say to you." he said "I sorry I bited your nipple, Tama."

Aw, cute - but my boob....doesn't forgive that easily. It's now frightened and protesting in bitterness.

Conversations with Matt’s band (rated R).

12. Me: "Matt, don't call it 'pussy."
Eric : "Cunt?"
Me: "No.."
Ryan: "I call it coochie. It's just cuter."

11. Me: "Matthew!"
David: "Dude, she just called you Matthew."
Matt: "Means I'm in trouble."

10.David "Nah man."
Me: "'nah, man' you mean you would turn down head?"

Matt: "That's what I was thinking, I have never turned down head."
Me: "I have never known a guy to turn down head."

09.David: "C'mon, come to practice with your family dollar hair style."

Me: "What?"
David: "I dunno, we just passed family dollar."

08.Me: "Isn't this cool?"

Eric: "I guess."
Me: "Fake it!"
Eric: "Yes! That is so awesome!"

07.David: "I need to put my ballsack in your mouth."

Matt: "Whatever, man."
David: "I've had a chick do it before."
Me: "That's not cool, that's stupid."
Matt: "Yeah, was she not able to find your dick?"

06.David: "Tamela, does this music scare you?"

Me: "No."
Matt: "Not a lot of stuff scares Tamela. She might look all 'proper',
but she's cool as shit."

05.Matt: "Yeah I need one small hamburger and....five sweet teas."
Mcdonald's guy: "FIVE?"
Matt: "Yeah."
David: "Sweet tea is metal!"

04.David: "I have family members in the mafia. They live in Jersey!"
Me: "Really? Is one of them named "Tony"?"
David: "No." *beat* "Steven."

03.Matt: "I'm going to chop your head off, shit in it and stuff it up ass; then I'll hang you from a tree."

David: "You can't hang me if I don't have a head."

02.Me to Ryan: "Aw that's sweet, you got a note with that? Sweet. Corny, but sweet."

01.Me: "So, when you are kissing a girl and you get turned on...is it the girl you are kissing or the fact that you may have sex with the girl you are kissing?"

Matt: "Sex. Always sex."
Ryan: "Yeah.."
Eric: "Yeah, but some girls can turn you on faster."

Incident at Heather’s party.

About two weeks ago, there was an announcement that Heather was leaving for another department. Earlier this week, we conspired a food day in her honor to be held today, her last day.

Steph's new cubicle is right outside the office that we use for the food room. She came over and asked me to help hang her pictures, the smell from the room was tempting - sweet, spicy, cheesy, all the good smells that come from a picnic. I made a mental note to never sit there.

It took a little work, but she & I lined up her photo board and got it looking nice.

Around this time, everyone started to gather in front of Steph's cube for Heather's goodbye. We remained where we were, in the background directly behind where Heather had stopped.

Supervisors said a few words. Everyone was seriously listening and solemn. Steph sat down on her desk, I leaned against it - right beside her. "How long have you been here?" Tina asked. Heather responded "16 years. Under Willie for 10!" Willie said "Wow...we have watched you grow from a little girl to a woman..you were fresh out of high school - now you're married and have a kid...ya know for a lon..."

And right then. In the middle of Willie's speech...there was a loud pop, a yelp and suddenly there was a Tamela on the floor.

Steph's desk had given way. She was able to catch her feet because she was sitting. I on the other hand, had been leaning - I had no footing. No other option. I was on the ground.

1. I don't fall gracefully. I never have. It's usually a spread-eagle flop.
2. No woman ever falls gracefully in a skirt anyway. Especially if said skirt FLIES up while falling.

Everyone was watching with a bit of amused concern.

I wasn't looking up at anyone but Steph - and she & I were laughing so hard, tears were streaming. I said "I am laughing too hard to move." Willie says "You alright, Tamale?" I said "Yeah..just embarrassed."

They clapped for me when I stood up, trying to compose myself.

Willie went back on track talking & laughing with Heather, while I stood in the background straightening out my skirt and wondering just exactly how red my face was. Steph & I couldn't look at each other for giggling.

The meeting broke up, everyone went to get food and back to talking about the part of desk that came apart - which was now at my feet.

Apparently, Ben had helped Steph with some stuff yesterday, he had said about the desk, "this isn't really stable - but it should be fine." Yeeea...

I apologized to Heather for interrupting. She said "That's okay, at least I can never say it was boring!"

Julie came to me later and joked "Were you not getting enough attention? 'everyone's paying attention to heather - someone look at ME!'" I said "Oh yes, you know me, I'll fall and bust my ass to get anyone to see me."

Willie made me file an accident report, just to cover any butts - although I'm not hurt in the slightest. It said 'What could you do to prevent this incident from occurring again?' I answered 'No leaning on desk during goodbye parties.'

Dick.

Those of you who have been around my mom, like ever, know about her love affair with Dick Clark. She loves the man. Always has. And it's always been a running joke among my cousins, Kristen & I - that on New Years Eve - my mom will get all dressed up to sit in front of the tv to watch her Dick.

As Matt stated one time, "The woman just loves Dick."

So, lemme set up the scene for you. Few minutes ago, I am laying on my stomach on my bed. I already have the eye mask on - covered up and ready for bed. CourtTV is on, but low. I can hear my mom on my computer typing & clicking quietly. And I am alllllllmost to the complete rest state - when suddenly, out of nowhere, my mom says loudy:

"I FOUND MY DICK!"

I start laughing into my pillow. She said "I did! Aw, and it's my young Dick too, just the way I like him! So, handsome...aw, my Dick, I just love him."

.....and that my friends, is why I had to get up and post a blog. Because my mom loves Dick, and the world should know.

Jacob's Ladder

So, while in Shelbyville saturday getting my Tattoo at Tom's. His apprentice, Derek, comes in. Amber along with two other girls who were waiting for tattoos were in the booth with me & Tom as he was working on my bfly. Derek is making us laugh and joking around when Tom says "Hey man, show them your jacob's ladder." he says "Alright" and just WHIPS out his penis.

Right there.

Just...yeah. random penis.

And he had five piercings going through the underside.

I said "Did that hurt?" he said "Nah." Tom says "He did say 'Hurry up, man.'

I told Amber later that I felt like saying "Wait wait...let's shake hands first, my name is Tamela. Let's be at least on first name basis before I see your penis."

So, when you want a tattoo, go see Tom. He's great. And if you see Derek, don't be suprised if you see his penis. He, obviously, isn't shy.