Fight for the future.

We all have insecurities. I know that I have posted numerous blogs about mine. I have no shame in the fact that I am insecure about things. Somethings I don't know or don't understand - that is when I ask - or pine - I pine things over in my head a lot. Mostly when I'm at work. I'll be workin' away and start thinking about something and suddenly....yep, I'm pining.

That'll be my answer next time my boss says I look bored - I'll say "I'm just pinin'..." That should be an interesting conversation. I'll make her pine over my pining!

Anyway, today I returned to work after being out a week from my dental surgery. I have no shame in now admitting openly that I have a false upper plate.

My decision wasn't based on vanity, no.

It was based on the fact that inherited gum diease had cracked the bones within my gums and I would have, within 10 years, lost all my teeth plus have to deal with the heart diease, diabetes that comes along with it. And, also, may have never be able to give birth because the periodontitis diease limits the growth of the fetus in the womb.

I did this purely for health reason. My future was on the line.

That being said, I can also admit that returning to work was nerve-wrecking for me. I was insecure. I know my teeth look great, but I feel crowded in my mouth (which will go away, I'm told) and I have a slight lisp. This makes me FEEL like I look weird.

Today, I emailed Rebecca and this was the conversation:

Me: Do my teeth buck out like Mr Ed's?
Her: uhhh that would be a no!
me: You sure? You'd tell me right?
her: I wouldn't have told you they look good when I first saw you.
me: Okay, I've noticed my top lip doesn't come all the way down yet. maybe it will in time. I don't want PROMINATE teeth, ya know?
her: They don't look promiate. They look very similar to your old teeth but prettier of course.
me: Thank you. Sometimes you just need to hear your not a freak. LOL
her: Your not a freak!!!

I've been on an MSN messageboard since surgery, there is one girl who had her teeth removed at 23. Some of these people have been through so much, life-long battles - like me. I know I'm not alone.

Many of you will probably ask me, why would I let people know? because, my teeth really do look natural - here's why...

While I'm insecure, right now - I'm not ashamed. I have a future without diease and constantaly feeling ill. I will be able to eat and smile and laugh and not have broken and painful mouth anymore. I took control of my life. I live my life for no one else but me.

...and I feel that, it should be that way for everyone.

No pain, no gain.

So, I had 13 teeth pulled yesterday. They attempted to gas me but I freaked out. I think it was the noise. Not sure. So, I was alert & awake through all of it. I had Dr Crow and three assistants. Dr Crow was on my right; the nurse on left and two girls who held my hands and watched. Rubbing my hands and supporting me. They had never seen extractions and I didn’t mind because they were being supportive.

We had CMT on and they discussed the music to keep me distracted. My K-9 tooth on the right side, in mid-conversation Dr Crow said "Look at that a (big long word)" they all looked in amazement. He said "you have a very unique tooth there; only one in 300 people have it." He explained later that "most k-9’s only have one root, yours had three." Huh. Pretty cool.

My smile is amazing now. I love it. The first couple of hours I freaked out because I couldn’t stop the blood (I know, that’s gross, sorry) I went back over to Dr Crow who explained that with so many teeth - it’s not surprising that it would bleed for awhile. It did keep up until 8pm.

I went back this morning and he removed it, checked out my gums - while my gums are swollen, my face isn’t. I only have one sore spot toward the front. He said I was doing "amazingly well". I have ate oatmeal & pudding so far, I’m just not interested in food.

I am all good and will be posting a pic soon. I’m still really tired & weak. But, DAMN I love my smile. :-)

The hard part is over. And I’m out of pain now. :-)

The saint that amazes me.

I’ve always been a big history buff. It was my best subject in school and the one thing that keeps me reading. Tell me a story, a true story, about someone or an event that happened and I am all for listening.

Movie history has always been big to me as well. Seeing how I love movies and enjoy discussions about the timeline of events regarding film. Being a film historian (or any kind of historian at that) would be a dream job of mine.

Another event in history that has always interested me is the Holocast. Okay, so not the extreme sadness but the pure will of people going through something so intense and emotional, the stories - the absolute incredibility of these events captivates me everytime. "Life is beautiful" made me cry for days.

I relayed this story to Julie about two months ago, yet, I cannot escape it. I do not find myself religious, all that much, I know what I believe. But, this story - that keeps coming up in my head - rocked me. Made me question everything I do.

This is the story of Maximilian Kolbe. He was a Polish Friar in Auschwitz. In July 1941, a man escaped from his barracks. In response, the Natzi rule was to pick 10 men from the same barracks to be starved to death.

One of the men selected, Franciszek Gajowniczek, cried out - screaming "My wife! My children! What will they do?" Kolbe volunteered to take his place saying something along the lines of "I am a Catholic priest from Poland; I would like to take his place, because he has a wife and children."

During the time in the cell, he lead the men in songs and prayers. After three weeks of dehydration and starvation, he and three other men remained alive. He was murdered by lethal injection.

The man who’s place he took remained alive til 1995, and was there when John Paul II canonized Kolbe in 1982. He is now known as "Saint Maximillian Kolbe" the "Patron Saint of our difficult century."

This man died for a stranger. Someone he didn’t even know. He starved for three weeks for him.

I don’t care what you believe. Or don’t believe. But that is a good person. I...well, I don’t know if I could do that. I am sure I could, but I’m not sure I would. I consider myself a good person, but that...yeah, that is saintly. Maximilian deserved to be canonized no matter what he believed. Wow.

Absolutely incredible. People amaze me.

That’s the impression that I get.

I ran into a guy friend and one of his friends one time a long time ago. I hugged my friend, we shared pleasantries then I introduced myself to his friend. You can never say that I’m not outgoing. I will make myself known if you don’t do it first. His friend seemed very...well, awkward.

Maybe he wasn’t used to being around someone who takes initiative of the conversation or.......what. But, his nervousness was extremely visible. He studdered & laughed as he said his name and shook my hand. My mom had walked up during this time and I introduced her. She noticed the shakeness of his voice...and glaced at me through her preif like "is he always like this?" I attempted to ignore it and tried to glide away from them. Not that I didn’t enjoy the company, but the dude - honestly - was making me feel painfully weird.

When we walked away, into the food court - she says "What did you do to that boy? You left him sputtering all over himself." I said "I know, that was just odd."

The impression that I got from that was that he’s not very good at social interaction. Especially with chicks. Kinda like that show "Big Bang Theory" - the guy who doesn’t speak to girls? it was like that. I’ll tell ya what, it’s really awkward to be the girl who is trying to talk to the guy who doesn’t talk to girls.

I just had to re-read that last sentence to make sure it made sense.

Sometimes I wonder about the impression I give off. Nice? Funny? Friendly? Bold? Snooty? I’m sure I’m one of those at different times. Or all at the same.

I know that I am a flirt. It just happens naturally with me. I don’t really even realize I’m doing it. In my head, "flirting" and "friendly" border a fine line when it comes to the sexes. There is a strong difference in my head from touching a guy’s face while looking at him and giving him a hug. Some people don’t see the difference, but I do. "Intimate touching". It’s different.

In the work atmosphere, I like to give off a casual yet educated vibe. I know what I’m doing, but I’m cool with what I’m doing. Doesn’t mean I’m not open to learning though. I don’t like to be "talked down to" , that is one of my biggest peeves.

You, size-zero-bitch-with-the-fake-boobs-that-I-accidently-ran-into-while-walking-out-of-Cheesecake-Factory-in- Beverly-Hills, you are no better than me. And, at least mine are real. And I don’t pay to have a tiny waist!

Ahem.

I’ve been told before that I can be intimidating. I guess my size was? I’m not sure. I know that I am a lot quieter than most of you reading this remember. Meh, people change.

Ben Gortmaker once called me "lavender" - which means, grace, elegance & feminine. That was probably one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever gotten. I like that he got that impression.

I just hope the impression people nowadays get from me, is a good one. Because I’ve been lucky with the friends who have stuck around for the long haul.

How do they do it?

First off, I want to say that this blog is not directed to any one person. Believe me, I have no problems with anyone. If I did, you’d know. These are just thoughts. Musings. That popped around in my brain today while doing work.

How do people jump from relationship to relationship? How does that happen? And why am I lacking that part of the brain that can easily move from one person to another mindlessly?

While it is true, I make (and still make) mistakes, but I know I cannot handle a steady, long-term relationship at this point. While it’d be nice. And I do miss it. I am working on my internal issues right now.

It may sound selfish. But, focusing on myself at this moment is the only way I will be able to maintain a steady relationship in the future. You cannot love someone until you love yourself.

Right now, any guy that I see or talk to are not long-term in my head. Long-term for me means to talk and become friends as well as anything else. If I establish a friendship right now with a guy, future possibilities are always open. You never know what will happen, ya know? I am in no hurry.

But, here’s what I don’t get:

People who get into a relationship. Three months later get married. Three months later break up. Two months later get back together. One month later get divorced. Start new relationship.

How, exactly, does that work?

If you move on so easily, was it ever really love?

Because I know that if I am in a relationship, an actual relationship, it takes me months to accept and move on.

Am I built differently?

While I said before, I miss having someone. I do not miss losing who I am. My identity. Which, the mind set I was in at least, caused a lot of the problems I had in my past. I want to be in a relationship because I like him that much. Not because I "need" someone by my side.

So, is that how people jump? They need someone? Or that they don’t know how to function without it?

I’m curious if it’s me or them. Or the way we are built.

Grumps.

Grumps.
Current mood: annoyed

Today I'm on edge. It's my Gran's birthday. And I worked. This is the first time I have worked on her birthday in God knows when. When she was alive, I'd take off on her birthday. We'd watch "The Munsters" then "Price is right" and she'd laugh at the old people tripping down the aisle and acting insane. Then, we'd eat, something good and Granny-like. Usually, frozen hamburgers that she bought at Sav-A-Lot with tomato, onion ("because a burger isn't a burger without an onion" - Granism), pickle & mashed potatoes. Or she'd get Frank to go buy us some KFC. Original. Then we'd nap, water the flowers some and laugh at the goofy pictures we'd take.

I worked today because I had the flu last week. I needed to get back to work as soon as possible. But I wasn't happy about it. First off, I didn't feel good. Flu has tore me through me like a tornado and I feel like Dorthey in Oz wondering where the hell she is.

Second off, our plans to go to Sparta and relive good times with Gran were kinda shattered when I got sick.

Along with my plans to have dental surgery this week, which have been postponed til April.

Third off, I am pissed off at myspace. I mean, seriously - Hey, TOM - stop promoting your Pussycat Dolls, Jessica Simpson thingy and fix your issues. I have 323 friends and I know at least ONE of them is online now.

Fourth off, I am pevved at the lack of communication when it comes to our reunion. It's been 10 years and I see feel like I'm not 'elite' enough to know what's going on. Sam said Sam Davis Home in Sept, then why doesn't anyone else know anything? Or if they do, why hasn't anyone said anything? And yeah, I'm talking about planning now because - we are adults and have jobs which may require time off if we live a distance away.

Lavergne already has invites, dates & plans. Why are we in the dark?

So, here ya go, know something about the reunion? Speak up. Because it's seriously not cool.

Or hell, I'll just invite everyone to the park. We can potluck it and let that be that.

Well, I'm the chips & dip girl - the only thing I make in the kitchen are small fires.

On another - more pleasant front - I asked Julie my first "skinny-girl" question today. "What do you wear to weddings?" because, well, I have always had to settle for dresses that make me look 50 and like a rounded triangle. But, now that I have some (shrinking) shape, I can actually wear something nice to Kristen's wedding in Oct. We decided this but not this. I've never really had a choice before. It's pretty dang cool.

So, anyway, I'm a big grump. Sorry.

The uncool nerd.

Feeling a bit down tonight. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I have had no contact with any humans besides my mom & occasionally Carol since last saturday. Email & IM doesn't count when you miss face to face.

While I feel better, a nasty cough has developed. Leaving me mostly sleepless and grumpy. Okay, so not realllly grumpy. Maybe the word I'm looking for is irritated. Blah.

I spoke with Jason Pappafotis briefly about a picture I am looking for. I decided to go through some old backup cds to see if I had snuck it somewhere it didn't belong. Most of these cds have just a bunch of old songs I'd download when either the title would strike me or a good moment in Dawson's Creek ("Feels like home"), Roswell ("Crash into me") or Buffy ("Full of grace") would make me just have to have the song.

And some, like Bush's "Cold Contagious", which make me feel like I'm 17 again. Seriously, Gavin Rossdale might as well just sing the entire soundtrack to my adolescent. And if he sung that, in front of me naked, well, that'd be just fine by me.

I guess I was having some "song remembers when" moments here while sitting under my warm pink blanket on a snowy march night.

Then, I laughed to myself reliving a story I told my mom last saturday after running into Sam Short at Crackel Barrell. For those of you who don't know, Sam & I have known each other since around 3rd grade. His mom was my 5th grade teacher, and solely responsible for pin-pointing my Dyscalculia. To her, I am forever grateful.

Now, let me take you back to the days when you were actually excited to have Oregon Trail time on the ol' MAC in class. It was the time during the first Gulf War, and I...was less than cool.

Of course, you could say now that I am less than cool. But, I was way less than cool then. I was a poor chubby nerd with glasses too big for her face. Who's only real claim-to-fame was that the cute boy on the bus touched my umbrella. I was shy and my mom let me dress myself. I'll just let you make up the rest in your mind.

I only had a few friends. Kim Cabany (Happy Birthday, my love) who had moved recently, Ben Reagh, David Merritts are a few that come to mind. But, no one really talks to the awkward fat chick in 5th grade.

So, end of the day when the first busses are being called over the intercom - Sam comes to our classroom...because, well, his mom is the teacher. His little brother (who's probably not so little anymore) walks over from the Elementary school.

Sam is a few feet away, sitting at the back table.

Sam is cool. Sam is by me. I need to do something cool.

I cannot remember what was said, I think Zach Bannister started the conversation by saying something smart...and I followed up. But, my follow-up didn't work. I...well, I thought I was funny. I laughed loudly and - snorted. Yeah. Snorted. I never snort when I laugh. But, for some reason I did then.

I looked at Sam, who, well, was looking at me like I was completely retarded. My smile suddenly faded and I realized that Zach was clearing his throat uncomfortably. It was awkward. And painful.

I remember thinking to myself "man, I'll never be cool."

And now, I run into Sam and meet his family and we embrace like old friends.

Because we are.

But...I'll never forget how uncool I was that day.

Things you learn when you have the flu..

- Showers are refreshing. Getting the strength to take them, is a different story.

- Maury & Judge Judy are addicting.

- The main ingredient in Chicken Noodle Soup is chicken stock. What is that? It doesn't sound too tasty.

- Being home with the flu doesn't mean your boss won't call you about work.

- And the flu does not mean that your best friend will not call you and badger because you're not eating enough.

- I drunk 7 gallons of Cranberry/Grape, Grapefruit, Apple & Orange juice in 4 days. Can't tell me I'm not staying hydrated.

- I cannot sleep with my mouth open.

- When you miss American Idol, you really don't miss much.

- There is a difference between "Theraflu" and "Tamaflu".

- Oh, and when you're a male stripper - you can be on American Idol. If your a big girl and pose naked - that's another story.

- They will interrupt "Search for the Garden of Eden" on History:International at 3:30am to broadcast an Amber Alert, but they won't start back over where they left off. And I was really into that too, bastages.

- The flu makes you feel like you have ran the NY marathon, three times. In a row. With no bathroom break.

- Sci-fi channel has a habit of running marathons throughout the day. Yesterday, it was GhostHunters. Today it was X-Files. Too bad it was "post-Mulder" later episodes.

- This guy is denying that he's the father of this child because he only has one testicle. Did these people not see Sex & The City?

- Independence Day was actually a pretty good flick. Self-important. But, good flick regardless.

- Eating golden grahams isn't a good idea.

- When you have lap-band, you get nauseous because your pouch isn't big enough to hold the drainage. Knowing doesn't make it feel any better though.

- Patrick Swayze has cancer. Dude. That sucks.

Vulnerability.

Current mood: sick

Ever since I have lost so much weight, my body has been more subsessable to virus & sickness. I actually get sicker now that I am healthier than I did when I was massive. I'm not sure what is up with that. Maybe I just notice it more now that I don't have a lot of fat to conceal it.

Right now, I am waiting for my meds to kick in because I, sadly, have the flu. While typing this, I have a kleenex stuck in my nose and wondering if I spelled subsessable right. Probably not. I have slept 2 hours in the past 24. And I am one big, nasty heap of snot, slime & cough.

How is that for a visual?

My doctor is extremely nice. We have a good relationship. I have been seeing her since '02. She knows me. My reactions. And she praised me for my 11 pound weight loss since 2/5.

When she walked in, after sticking the swab up my nasal cavity and making me both cry and cough - she says "Oh, Tamela, you have the flu." I said "Ohhhh....suuuuugar." she smiled slightly. I retracted "I almost said a bad word there, sorry." she said "That would probably be my reaction too. Just plan on this week - staying in bed and drinking a lot." I responded with a deadpan "I need a drink." She laughed "Not that kinda drink. Juice. Lots of juice. And don't get around people."

Easy for her to say.

I have no idea how I got this. However, I was around a crap-load of people saturday at Crackel Barrel. Did you know that all of Smyrna eats at Crackel Barrel on saturdays? Yea, me either.

So, here I am. Runny nose & all. Today I have had an egg, a couple of curly fries & some oatmeal. I should eat more. But I am totally not interested.

I'd rather be asleep. But, I have too much crap in my nose to do that.

So, I'll just whine.

In a blog.

And beg someone to pet me.

Morbid Curiousity.

I have a strange facination with....the strange.

I love cementaries. I love to take pictures there, the peace, the feelings it stirs of loved ones gone by. Spending the night in a grave-yard would be something I'd do, with someone with me. My uncle has slept in one, he made a joke "yeah, it was the best sleep I ever had, not like someone's going to get ya!" Which, is true. But, I still would like someone with me. It'd be too boring.

My mobid curiousity leads me to wikipedia a few times a day, to see what kind of famous people have died and what killed them.

Recently, Larry Davis, a serial killer, was stabbed by another inmate. Philip Rabinowitz, the fastest 100 year old in the 100 meter race - passed away from a stroke at 104. Johnnie Carr, childhood friend of Rosa Parks and civil rights activitist died at age 94. And then I saw, Alec Wildenstein. Now, admittley, I had never heard of any of these people before their passing. But Alec Wildenstein caught my attention because all it said was he was an art dealer and ex-husband to Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Well, who is she? you ask. Yea me too.

So, I look her up. And this is what I see:

Good. Lord. What did this woman do to her face?

Ya know, I have seen the Daniel Pearl video and I never thought anything would make me retract in horror like that. Until her...or it...or pussy-cat?

Curiousity can get the best, and worst, at times.

Wants & Needs - part duex.

So, the alternator went out in my car saturday. Right around the time I got sickly. When it rains it pours, I guess. Luckily, my tax money came in yesterday. Although, I had to use the money I was going to get a new computer with to fix my car. My computer is good, I just hope it lasts a weeee bit longer.

Today, I had a decision to make. I could choose not to get anything I want and wait til June to get my computer or get something I wanted and wait til August.

I might have done the selfish thing, but I chose August and got a new camera.

I make no excuses for the decision I made. I wanted a new camera and I knew that a new computer would be at least 4 months away. And I have a headstart on my computer fund.

Sometimes, I need to do something little to show myself "hey, ya know what? you deserve it." that message gets lost in a crowd of bills.

Dealing.

Okay, this blog is probably going to show a lot more raw than usual. Usually, I will type - rethink - reword - and refocus. Walk away and come back. But right now, I am sitting here at 10pm, on a friday night eating some freshly warmed frozen pizza and...not sure what I am feeling.

See, my last post was about death. Death of a celebrity. Someone I didn't know.

This time, well....I have witnessed the passing of three people who shaped me into the person I am - all within a month.

And dealing with it - coping - yeah, I am having a hard time at this point.

Ya see, I've always been the strong one. I do what is nessassary and cry later. That is the way I have always been. Keep it inside and deal. But, since Gran died...this trait has been deminsed rapidly. The way I deal is different. I still don't cry, really, when it comes to loss. But, I have a harder time holding back and distancing myself from feeling.

Austin once told me "we have to feel it, if you don't it'll smack you in the face later." Guess I never knew that til I dealt with loss, literally, in my face.

Three people, Arnold, Mr Hayes & Miss Hall. They had an impact on me. A big one. Two of them I have known my entire life and have been family friends for longer than that. And one, I have known for going on 15 years.

Miss Hall made the biggest impact, I guess. She babysat me for most of my childhood. I learned interaction, early devolpment and warmth from her. The woman was so warm, you couldn't help but feel the love when she was near. There are rare moments in your life when you meet someone who is what you can feel a 'pure soul'. She was one of those creatures. And, although she didn't know who I was for the last five years or so, I will always cherish her.

I'll be okay. I am, seriously, so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Life is strange. The way memories anchor you to the past, yet you can move forward with a smile.

Those who have passed and those who are here. Everyone makes a difference.

My heart, although broken, will always love them all.

Wands & needs.

I occassionally find myself getting jealous of people with material things. I guess it's human nature. Last night, I saw that my cousin had received a third computer for christmas. I had a stinging like in kindergarten when that one little boy with a cowlick had the toy I wanted.

I got into a long discussion with my mom about needs and wants.

I need a new computer.

When income tax comes in, it'll be catching up my bills and if I have enough left over, I need to get a computer. This one is seven. The motor is starting to get louder and the memory is so low, I have to shut down things to open new ones.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I lived a life where I got things I wanted. Like a new camera or a DVD burner or a trip to Europe.

Sure, I get things now and then - but the rarity of this I can count on one hand.

Recently, I have pawned some of the items I wanted in order to pay for things I need.

I am not complaining. I support myself and my mom. I pay for everything (but cable & water). Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to stuggle so hard. Guess it's being an adult. I got hair-dye and a pizza with my check this week. But I also have a place to live (no matter how shitty the dump) for another month.

I guess the Stones said it best, you can't always get what you want - but sometimes you get what you need.

....just wish that little girl inside me could realize that.

No P-MS.

No P - MS. Current mood: grumpy My poor body is not happy with me right now. I remember the first time I had cramps. I didn't know what they were. I was at Opryland in line for the sky-line (gosh, you guys remember Opryland? Siiiigh) and I told my mom my stomach was hurting. Her friend Judy said "What's wrong?" and my mom said "C-r-a-m-p-s." I remember thinking, 'is that what that is, why did she spell it?' Of course now, I know the difference. Around 18-21, you know your body a bit more. But, occassionally, it will hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom says "ovaries" are named that, because their pain 'over'-comes all the rest. Guys do this thing where if you are aurguing, they will sometimes blame PMS. I think guys have PMS too. There are moments where some guys will say something so completely ridiculus or mean - I have no idea where it came from. That is guy PMS. Girls, you know what I am talkin' about. I think we are all a bit crazy, honestly.

Bah Humbug.

I cannot seem to find what is called "The Christmas Spirit" this year. It could be that I have been sick and not able to eat for a week now. It could be that this was my Gran's favorite holiday. It could be the issues at thanksgiving. It could be the weather.

I am not sure.

Becky & Sweeney decorated lights around my cube at work. They made me get up and wound up working around me. It's now nine days to xmas and I haven't done any shopping yet.

Bryan called me the grinch. It's not that I don't like christmas. I'm just not....in the mood. Indifferent, I guess. Hard to explain that to someone who is channeling Clark Griswald stapling his lights to the roof. Yep, he did that. Surprised he didn't power surge us all.

AND I miss Charlie Brown Xmas this year. Grr. It aired at 4:00 on a sunday. Whoever at ABC thought that was a smart idea should be fired.

My mom is in the living room putting up our little tree. I must say, I was slightly amused at the sight of her covered in christmas lights while in her pajamas.

If I could figure out while I feel so bad, I'm sure I'd be in a better mood. I cannot get a blood test til January. But I think I am missing something. Iron? Calcium? Something. I am so weak and want to do nothing but sleep. It could be my sinuses, which are misbehaving like crazy this week.

....could I be any more whiny? Good grief.

My adventure with John Herbert Jr.

So, yesterday, Johnny, Amber, My mom & I had planned to go to Fall Creek Falls. We wanted to get away and also take pictures of the fall colors.

Well, our plan didn't go exactly how we wanted, since it took four hours to get Amber hair done(!)

We decided just to go to Sparta, take some pics from Sunset Rock (an overlook we are fond of) and then come back considering Terran Humus was having their first performance at 8:00pm at The Muse.

Alright, so, I was sick all morning from my sinuses. Nothing like not being able to eat or drink because you find yourself vomiting. Blah. On the way to Sparta, I was able to hold down cranberry juice and a beef stick. Yeah, what a meal. But my back was achy from the lunging. ANYWAY...

We get to Highland cemetery. We all knew we wanted to get here, our great aunt finally got a headstone after 50 years of no recognization she was there. We are snapping shots left & right. Amber had never been here, so she is roaming and I see that the section across from my family's hasn't been touched with any feet or racking of leaves. It is gorgeous (as you can probably tell by the pics). The conversation goes as follows:

Me: "Mom, can you hold my camera? I wanna go jump in the leaves."
Mom: "Sure."
Johnny: "It might be wet under them, it has rained recently.."
Mom: "That's true...hmm.."
Johnny: "Maybe you can find a nice headstone to sit on to take some pictures."
Me: "I have clothes for The Muse that I can change into if I get dirty, but yea...hmm..yeah, how about that one?"

This is a small stone that says "John Herbert Jr." beside it is a tall one that says "AUSTIN". I walk over, squat, holding on to the AUSTIN stone for leverage, but my hand slips...and, yeah...I missed. I start laughing...half my ass on John's stone - half my ass on the ground...and my fingers and arm scraped.

They ask me if I'm okay, I say yes - but still laugh, until I actually look at my arm. It's bleeding.

They doctor me with baby-wipes (and later water). By that time, I have finally pulled myself up on the stone. After everything calms down, I just roll off the stone and finally get in my leaves.

Poor John Herbert Jr. Hope he didn't mind. There is now DNA evidence on his stone.

I said later, "Wow, from my vomiting, back ache and clumsy ass - I should have just stayed in bed today."

Keep your pants on, girl.

So, today I am wearing my extra-big Winnie The Pooh sweatshirt. I bought it back in '96 with my camp check. And my grey pj pants - that have no elastic.

It's been a lazy weekend of cleaning & straightening. I had bags of trash to take to the dumpster. And, the more they sat in the kitchen, the more my mom was filling them up and adding more to the pile. I decided, after a small nap, that I needed to get to them before I had to make about 7 trips.

I start with two bags, carrying them over, I pass by a man speaking spanish on his cell. I'm assuming he's talking about his truck, he's waving his hands wildly. I catch his attention as I near, but look ahead to the dumpster.

I come back, two more bags. These are heavier than the last.

As I near the dumpster, I feel my pants slip a little off my hips, but figure they'll hold. As I toss bag one into the pile - yep, I flash all the kids at the playground along with the man on the cell who....stares then starts talking rapidly. I'm sure saying "I just saw this chicks panties!"

Luckily, they didn't fall to my knees. Just enough to make me extremely uncomfortable. And dude got a sneak peek of my goodies.

I think it's time to retire this outfit. Especially the pants. Once they fall down in public, they kinda loose their appeal

Black-faced me.

Black-faced me.
Current mood: amused

So, friday night I dyed my hair black. You know how you get a little dye on your scalp, but it comes off when you wash it? Well, I had a line across my cheek. A line of black.

I scrubbed. I scrubbed. I whined. I scrubbed. I gave up and went to bed.

Woke up, getting ready for shopping with mom. Scrubbed more. Scrubbed more. Nothing. That line wasn't going anywhere.

So, I covered it as much as I could with make-up, and left. First place we stopped was Kroger. She goes in to the post office, I sit in the car and examine my cheek-line.

It's not going anywhere. What the hell?

So, I zoom in to the mirror and see....I have dyed my invisible-girl-peach-fuzz black.

Crap. I have dyed my face. I have a line of black-face!

What to do? What to do?

So, I scrummage through my car and happen to find a razor stuffed in my middle compartment. Just so happens I was running late one morning and shaved on the way to work.

Sitting Kroger parking lot, I shaved my peach-fuzz in the sun-visor mirror. Then I had to even out the sides. As I am gliding the razor along to make sure everything is straight....I realize what I am doing.

I am a woman - shaving her face in the sun-visor of her car on a saturday afternoon in the Kroger parking lot.

I look around, looking for spies. I have no idea if I had actually caught someone's eye what I would say..."I had black-face"?

Incroyable.

I honestly don't know where this post will end up. Which is why I always wait to make my subject lines after I get done.

I am upset about a few things right now.

Once again, I am having problems with the stress. I really, really need to find some way to get it all out.

I found out that someone is trying to hurt me by going through a friend. A best friend at that.

To know how I truly feel, you'd have to be inside my head.

I was absolutely livid earlier.

The only thing that kept me calm was emailing back & forth with Corey about horror movies.

It is so incredible the amount of time & energy someone will waste when they don't like you.

Take a moment to go look at my top 8. You see them?

Yeah, you don't FUCK with them.

Period.

They are the ones who I run to when I am hurt. They are the ones who will tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it. And they are the ones who a boyfriend would turn to when they need help picking out a gift.

Those 8 people know me. They know my heart.

You have never known true friendship til you have had someone bring your tired, sad, broken family donuts on the morning we pull our family matriarch off life-support.

If you seriously believe that one of them will betray me, even for one second, you are sadly, sadly mistaken.

If you don't like me, you don't like me. That is your problem. Deal with me. Don't be a pussy and try to work your way around it by going through my friend.

Most of the people reading this know it. They know that if you betray my trust, that is it. Sure, we may have some disagreements. But, friendship runs through my veins...keeps my blood pumping...every friend, on myspace or not, I have a special bond with.

This isn't middle school anymore. If you can't handle being a mature adult, then maybe you shouldn't be around me.

Leave my friends out of it. Stop wasting your time and say it to my face, bitch!

Mistakes.

"Maybe our mistakes make our fate, without them what would shape our lives? If we never veered off course, we would never fall in love or be who we are."-- Carrie - SATC

I've been thinking a lot about mistakes.

Everyone makes them.

The balls it takes to admit you made a mistake is extremely difficult. You're admitting that you're not perfect, that you were in the wrong.

No one wants to be wrong or proven wrong.

Recently, I used someone to get over my feelings for someone else. I felt bad. But I kept doing it. I couldn't bring myself to confront why I was doing something so unlike me - why was I running? Why was I hiding?

Until I woke up and realized he was doing the exact same thing to me. Using me to get over someone.

This isn't a country song. This is playing with hearts. And I didn't like it. It was just an act. A Shakespearean lulluby if you will.

And worse is the fact that, even now, I don't feel bad. I don't even know if I would feel bad if I knew his heart was in it. Does this make me horrible? That I used someone to get over someone that I never had?

Maybe.

But I confronted my mistake. I admitted it. To myself. To him.

Then I spoke about what the real problem was to the person where my issues actually lied. If I didn't fix what was torn, I would continue to cover it with more mistakes.

Temporary solutions for what could have been a permanent problem.

I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't run from them. I know who I am.

Live and learn.

Although, I have been taught so much, you'd think I'd know how to write my own lesson plan.


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Ironically, while writing this blog in my journal during my break today. I was called into my boss' office. She says that she has noticed a lot of errors in my work. We discussed, I got a bit mad. I said "Everyone makes mistakes." She said "Yes, but you make the most."

That stung. Still does. She has no idea what kind of sore place in my brain she hit. And she never will.