Going home.

Today, we visited camp.

I was reluctant.

Not because of camp itself. But because of what the trees and grass carries. This was the first time I have visited home without my Granny in my life. Ever.

This was our place. Our run-away. Our journey. Our shared memory.

I can admit to anxiety. I restlessly chewed on the straw of apple juice slushy from sonic. Fidgeted in my seat, thankful for sitting in the back where no one could see the nervous shake of my leg. I could close my eyes and drive this road. Poppy is busy switching wallets from his torn old one to a new one with a belt-loop chain. "Don't stop believin" by Journey came on the radio - I thought of mentioning the end of "The Sopranos" but decided against it. I sang along, letting some of my energy out..

"...born and raised in sooouth Detroit.."

As we turn the final corner, I reach over and grab my camera. Snapping as we enter...the horses are out and grazing the fields. The sight was beautiful. Surreal.

"...everybody wants a thrill.."

I gasp - "The barns gone!" My mom looks shocked. "Oh my god..it is!" she replies. I could see the old barn in my head, the familiar view. The musty, manor smell that resonated there.

"..some will win, some will lose..some were born to sing the blues.."

Memories flooded my veins so rapidly, I felt emotional. As we stepped out of the car, I mumbled to myself, "smells like camp". If I could bottle the feeling of being back there so I can feel it all the time, I would.

As we begin to walk down the winding road toward the mess hall - I felt like skipping. Dark clouds covered the sun...it might rain as it did earlier, but I had a feeling it would hold off.

Camp was quiet. The campers had been picked up earlier, as I would find out. Only one counselor and the camp director was there. We roamed, reliving good times with Poppy.

After a discussion with the director, Kim, I sat by myself for a while on the steps of the pool. Surrounded by the beauty, the blue of the sky, the green of the trees - the grass, the heat of the concrete below. I let it encase me, soaking it in. Feeling it.

Suddenly, a gust of wind races around me. I closed my eyes, seeing my Gran's face. You could say it was the coming storm, but I know she was with me in that moment. She was home with me. I felt safe. I felt warm. Content.

We left, returning to the world of honking horns and stress of bills. Laying here, listening to the rain at 11:30, I feel happy. Happy I did it. Happy for the memories. Happy they are mine. Happy for camp, no matter how much it changes is still there for me to go home to.

I miss it. I miss the people. I miss the girl I was. But most of all, I miss her.

Grumps.

Grumps.
Current mood: annoyed

Today I'm on edge. It's my Gran's birthday. And I worked. This is the first time I have worked on her birthday in God knows when. When she was alive, I'd take off on her birthday. We'd watch "The Munsters" then "Price is right" and she'd laugh at the old people tripping down the aisle and acting insane. Then, we'd eat, something good and Granny-like. Usually, frozen hamburgers that she bought at Sav-A-Lot with tomato, onion ("because a burger isn't a burger without an onion" - Granism), pickle & mashed potatoes. Or she'd get Frank to go buy us some KFC. Original. Then we'd nap, water the flowers some and laugh at the goofy pictures we'd take.

I worked today because I had the flu last week. I needed to get back to work as soon as possible. But I wasn't happy about it. First off, I didn't feel good. Flu has tore me through me like a tornado and I feel like Dorthey in Oz wondering where the hell she is.

Second off, our plans to go to Sparta and relive good times with Gran were kinda shattered when I got sick.

Along with my plans to have dental surgery this week, which have been postponed til April.

Third off, I am pissed off at myspace. I mean, seriously - Hey, TOM - stop promoting your Pussycat Dolls, Jessica Simpson thingy and fix your issues. I have 323 friends and I know at least ONE of them is online now.

Fourth off, I am pevved at the lack of communication when it comes to our reunion. It's been 10 years and I see feel like I'm not 'elite' enough to know what's going on. Sam said Sam Davis Home in Sept, then why doesn't anyone else know anything? Or if they do, why hasn't anyone said anything? And yeah, I'm talking about planning now because - we are adults and have jobs which may require time off if we live a distance away.

Lavergne already has invites, dates & plans. Why are we in the dark?

So, here ya go, know something about the reunion? Speak up. Because it's seriously not cool.

Or hell, I'll just invite everyone to the park. We can potluck it and let that be that.

Well, I'm the chips & dip girl - the only thing I make in the kitchen are small fires.

On another - more pleasant front - I asked Julie my first "skinny-girl" question today. "What do you wear to weddings?" because, well, I have always had to settle for dresses that make me look 50 and like a rounded triangle. But, now that I have some (shrinking) shape, I can actually wear something nice to Kristen's wedding in Oct. We decided this but not this. I've never really had a choice before. It's pretty dang cool.

So, anyway, I'm a big grump. Sorry.

Porter & Gran.

I'd always pick on my Gran, when we saw someone with pink hair & peircings everywhere "you think he's hot?" she'd just shoot me a look and I'd laugh. "Matt is the only boy who is good lookin'..with skittle hair."

There is a few celebrities that my Gran had a 'thing' for. She enjoyed Bob Barker, Porter Wagoner, Johnny Cash, Elvis and Dolly Parton.

I'm not sure when her thing for Porter started. I just know that it's as far back as I can remember. She would stop at his concerts when he was at Opryland and he would always hug her when he saw her. They would laugh and joke, seemed to get along so perfectly. He was a friendly man. Gran said she just liked his smile - and his jackets.

She'd watch the Grand Ole Opry every saturday night on GAC, and she'd do a little crazy dance when she heard he was lined up to come on stage. Seriously, cutest thing ever.

There was a picture made back in the early '90s of her, Porter & Jim Ed Brown taken at Opryland. She displayed it proudly in her bedroom until a few years ago, when she lost it in a move. I'm sure when we eventually move her stuff, we'll find it.

Until then, I know in my heart that Porter is now in heaven with my Gran, playing some good banjo songs with my Grandpa. And she's lovin' every minute of it.

19th Nervous Breakdown.

I was actually okay yesterday. When it comes to emotional traumatizing stuff, I'm good at numbing up. Which is a good & a bad. Good because I can be strong for those who need it, but bad because I don't feel what I need to WHEN I need to.

It's hard to believe my Gran has been gone a year. Man, I miss that woman. She would have laughed at me giving my happy meal fries to Uncle Gene as I fought internally to get my food to stay in place. Then, when I could eat my hamburger patty again - he began to eat the fries since I couldn't. That was cute.

It was nice, but I missed Kevin. I dunno. Kevin, man, you & me. There is something in the support you give me. Seriously. Love. Just love.

I sat in the car while my uncle, aunt & mom had their moments at Granny & Grandpa's grave. I blasted "How to save a life" by The Fray. It's a song about being as supportive as you possibly can. It made me feel a little better.

When I got home, I was tired. Very tired. I found myself staring at my tv without comprehending anything that was on.

Then, at 1 am, I had my breakdown. Poor George, I think I flipped him out. But he did good...at least he didn't lead on that it freaked him. I kept apologizing...he kept telling me I was alright. He can be a good egg.

Today I had a followup at the doctor. I gained a pound. I'm not worried about a stupid pound. Whatever.

And it was stressful at work. But, I dealt.

Sigh. Now I am getting boring, and rambling. Okay, someone say something...

6 months.

6 months.
Current mood: sad

Today it has been six months since my Granny died.

I miss my Gran. I miss everything about her. From her laugh to her touch. I miss her conversations always starting with "Well..." and how she would comment on the people interviewed on the news having big noses. I miss the way she loved ice cream. The way she smelled so warm; when she hugged me I would inhale her so deep. How she'd laugh so hard at stories about her great-grandbabies. The cracker jacks at Christmas. Her flowers. Her baby-dolls. The birthday celebrations. The smile - so happy & full of life.

I remember the one thing I always wanted was a Marilyn Monroe barbie. Either I could never afford one or couldn't find one. She bought me my first Marilyn barbie for my 20th birthday at the flea market. When I got it, I cried - running my hand across the package and saying "She's so beautiful....she's so beautiful.." and Granny started crying too. She saw how much it meant to me. How much SHE meant to me.

Toward the end of her life, she would trust me to get sleep out of her eye, to look at moles for her, to rub her back, to get boogers for her. I didn't care. You might think I would care. But, I didn't. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted her to be with me forever.

But I knew she couldn't be. I knew I'd have to let go sometime. It's going to take me a long time. She was my best friend. Her birthday is coming up. That is going to be a hard day. Actually, everyday has been a hard day.

I have been through 6 months of hell. From having someone I've known for 12 years use me to problems at my job to my wallet getting stolen to my mom moving out to getting my income tax check deposit information getting screwed to my continuous headaches. Somedays it takes a lot for me to get even out of bed.

But I am dealing the best way I know how. Trying to stay strong when all you want to do is break is hard.

I want to thank everyone who is reading this for your constant support. It's a battle. But it's a battle worth winning.

Granny, Grey's & a moment's fluke.

There is a reason why Grey's Anatomy is the best show on TV. (small spoilers for tonight's Grey's ahead)....

It's got something for everyone.

And tonight, yeah, I feel like I was in George's position five months ago. Although, we made the decision as a family, there were times - while meeting with the doctor where everyone's attention was on someone voicing an opinion - concern or question.

Today, Beth joined me for lunch. We haven't had much time to talk since she moved to remote (working from home). She is asking the usual questions "How do you like living alone?" "How is your mom?" then she says "How is your granny?"

I know it was a moments fluke. Just used to asking it. But, it still sent shockwaves surging throughout my brain. As soon as she said it - she said "Oh my god, Tamela, I am SO sorry...oh.."

It said it was fine. It was. It is.

"I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't." - George

....yeah, I am still dealing with this. Day to day.

Alone.

I'm not good at being a guy.

It has been decided.

I went and bought a new computer chair, because my other one went to shit. I pieced it all together, but I cannot get the back on to save my life. So, I am sitting here in a half-ass chair. But at least it's something, I guess.

Honestly, sitting here in my half-ass chair, I have never felt so alone. I feel really, really alone. I AM alone. I DO have my friends, that is more than most people - but...I'm alone. Alone and lonely. Wow, I never thought I could type alone as much as I have in this paragraph. Maybe if I keep typing it, I'll feel better. Alone. Alone. Alone.

No....it's not working. In fact, none of the normal stuff that makes me glee is working lately. I find myself just staring at the computer screen or TV. Without really watching....or looking....just....staring.

I guess everything I am feeling is understandable. Part of grief.

People hug me, people say they are sorry, pat me on the back - and I know that they mean it. I do. They are there for me. Their support really means the world. Even people who I don't know that well. Or people I haven't heard from in years. The little somethings always mean something.

But, right now, I wish I could go to the woods and just scream. Wake up from this nightmare. Or just be held by someone who will let me cry.

The one person who I could go to in times like this. Times when I feel less like myself. Times when all the chips have fallen - and I haven't won one hand. Times when I was lost and confused. That person has now left my life.

And left me in a half-ass chair. Alone.

The lonely salad.

The lonely salad.
Current mood: sad

Today I came home, checked the mail - turned some lights on and we went straight up the hospital.

My granny has gotten worse since yesterday. The nurses say that her body is just so weak that it's not responding like they had hoped to the medicine. She isn't talking anymore. She will follow your finger with her eyes - and she attempts to smile. Her face lite up with reconization when I leaned over her and said "Hi, pumpkin pie, I told you I'd be back today..."

Me & Matt eventually made our way down to eat. He went to go smoke first. I made myself a salad - then went over to the drink machine. The sprite wouldn't come on - I kept putting my cup under it with nothing coming out but sputter. I teared up - and just walked away from it. I paid for my salad, and sat alone eating it.

It was probably the loneliest salad I have ever had.

Matt & Riley came back and ate with me. Then went back up the room. We were there maybe another hour when the nurses came to move her to ICU.

The ICU waiting room was so full & uncomfortable I found myself getting restless. I walked down to the chapel, where I found Matt playing the out of tune piano.

It was weird being in the chapel - something just came over me. Matt was looking at the bible. I sat there, staring at a dove on the stained-glass. I found myself saying aloud "I think god is dead."

It's not that I believe that. I don't. Matt knows I don't. I know I don't.

Matt got quiet, still looking down at the bible, then said "And God said unto Moses, I am that I am."

I said "No, I don't think God is dead. I just don't understand why things happen the way they do."
Matt says "I don't think anyone does. We just make the best of it."
"I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay."
"I know. Just don't lose what you know is true..you know he's there. And you know he listens."

Matt is the best cousin a person could have.

We walked back up and I got to go see her before I left. She was so sedated, her eyes are just glossed over and she doesn't look at you when you talk to her. She just stares into space.

I know God isn't dead. But I sure know my salad was lonely.

Good vibes needed!

Since I can't post a bulletin....

My Granny (who is my favorite person in the whole world) was admitted to the hospital tonight.

Even if your not a religious person, if you could just spare a moment to send some good healing vibes her way....

I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

Adventures in a funeral home.

So, I went to the funeral home tonight. My step-grandfather, Frank, his niece died. I didn't know her very well, and I was still in my work clothes - but I was being respectful.

Frank's family. They are different...I've always known this. It's not that they are bad or anything. Just...nascar & big hair.

Still - being respectful to this woman was all I wanted to do. I had met her a few times. She was nice. But, while I loooove cemeteries, I don't really like funeral homes all that much. I guess no one really does. Anyway, I am getting off topic......

Okay, so I am sitting there between my Granny and my Mom. My Granny is pointing out people to my Mom - and I am feeling awkward and out of place. Not really knowing anyone but maybe two people. My Granny tells me about the two kids who are running around the place - Ethan, who is 7. And his little sister, Heather - 4. They were trying to sell my Granny their baby sister - 6 months, before we came in.

So, my Granny calls them over and says "Now, how much do you want for the baby again?" Ethan says "One hundred dollars!" I said "I don't have a hundred dollars, but I have two dollars!" he smiles at me, a small dimple on his left cheek shows. I said "I like your dimple." pointing it out on his face. Heather screams out "HE'S NOT A NIPPLE!!!"

The funeral home chatter stopped. Everyone turned and stared at us. And, as inappropriate as it was, I just busted out laughing.

I couldn't help it.

After that calmed down, my Granny leans over me to my mom and says "...she was a...what's it called?" Me: "Lesbian?" "Yea, that's it." "It's okay, Granny, it is 2006, you can say 'gay'."

We eventually made it to the coffee room, where we find the baby (that Ethan was selling) sleeping and the mom saying "This is Cassandra. Before I had her I said 'I don't want no more kids.' Now I wouldn't trade her fer the world. I did tell the judge though "Timmy ain't taking my kids!" I mean I believe in the bible way - the child is suppose to be respectful. If he ain't - I believe in smackin' them upside the head. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but a child needs to learn manners."

Yes. I actually feel bad for saying that I left the funeral home more amused than I was before.

I am a horrible person.