That’s the impression that I get.

I ran into a guy friend and one of his friends one time a long time ago. I hugged my friend, we shared pleasantries then I introduced myself to his friend. You can never say that I’m not outgoing. I will make myself known if you don’t do it first. His friend seemed very...well, awkward.

Maybe he wasn’t used to being around someone who takes initiative of the conversation or.......what. But, his nervousness was extremely visible. He studdered & laughed as he said his name and shook my hand. My mom had walked up during this time and I introduced her. She noticed the shakeness of his voice...and glaced at me through her preif like "is he always like this?" I attempted to ignore it and tried to glide away from them. Not that I didn’t enjoy the company, but the dude - honestly - was making me feel painfully weird.

When we walked away, into the food court - she says "What did you do to that boy? You left him sputtering all over himself." I said "I know, that was just odd."

The impression that I got from that was that he’s not very good at social interaction. Especially with chicks. Kinda like that show "Big Bang Theory" - the guy who doesn’t speak to girls? it was like that. I’ll tell ya what, it’s really awkward to be the girl who is trying to talk to the guy who doesn’t talk to girls.

I just had to re-read that last sentence to make sure it made sense.

Sometimes I wonder about the impression I give off. Nice? Funny? Friendly? Bold? Snooty? I’m sure I’m one of those at different times. Or all at the same.

I know that I am a flirt. It just happens naturally with me. I don’t really even realize I’m doing it. In my head, "flirting" and "friendly" border a fine line when it comes to the sexes. There is a strong difference in my head from touching a guy’s face while looking at him and giving him a hug. Some people don’t see the difference, but I do. "Intimate touching". It’s different.

In the work atmosphere, I like to give off a casual yet educated vibe. I know what I’m doing, but I’m cool with what I’m doing. Doesn’t mean I’m not open to learning though. I don’t like to be "talked down to" , that is one of my biggest peeves.

You, size-zero-bitch-with-the-fake-boobs-that-I-accidently-ran-into-while-walking-out-of-Cheesecake-Factory-in- Beverly-Hills, you are no better than me. And, at least mine are real. And I don’t pay to have a tiny waist!

Ahem.

I’ve been told before that I can be intimidating. I guess my size was? I’m not sure. I know that I am a lot quieter than most of you reading this remember. Meh, people change.

Ben Gortmaker once called me "lavender" - which means, grace, elegance & feminine. That was probably one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever gotten. I like that he got that impression.

I just hope the impression people nowadays get from me, is a good one. Because I’ve been lucky with the friends who have stuck around for the long haul.

Too young to know?

So, opinion time.

My mom works a couple of hours at a daycare. There is a child named Robert who has a developmental delay. He is four, his comprehension skills are good, however he receives speech therapy twice a week. The kids all see him out the window and let him know his ride has arrived and/or 'Robert's back!'.

The children have to know that he needs more attention when it comes to learning. Being in a classroom environment of any kind, you get used to the kids around you.

Recently, a parent brought it to the teachers attention that her son, who is four, told her "Robert rides the short bus."

This started a long discussion of whether or not he was meaning it derogatory and/or he was stating what he saw and didn't realize.

I do not know.

I remember one time at my biggest when Christopher (who was around four at the time) asked me why I was so big. Being that young, I am unsure if they are just curious why someone is different or just saying what they see.

So, what do you think? Chime in. I'm curious.

Fat. Part 2.

A little over a month ago, I posted a blog called "fat". It got a lot of attention, not only from the comments, but from friends who emailed me directly. Few days ago, Julie sent me an article on a 9-year old girl who was battling anorexia. 9. 5th grade with an eating disorder. Then, on the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy (no spoilers) there was a man who refused to move in with his girlfriend until she was a size 4. This would not have bothered me as bad if I knew it was fiction, but I know a couple, personally, that this was the case. Except she had to be a size 2. I spoke with Corey at length about this. He's one of the few guys who's opinion actually counts with me. He says it's hollywood's influence. I say it is part hollywood. Part men. Men are so visual. It's not really their fault that they are. They want to fuck something by looking at it. Women want to fuck something by talking to it. Just the way we are built. good men are about 2%. Then there are men with low self-esteem that need to have a trophy wife. There are the manwhores, who will fuck anything. There are men who will not take a chance with a bigger girl because of what their friends will think. And then their are the men who have such a low self-image, they will secretly fuck the bigger girls because they can dominate to make themselves feel better. Ya see, those men think that bigger girls have a lower self-esteem and are desperate, easier to manipulate. Hey, I'm all for the man being dominate in bed. But, if you are going to call me at 2am and then act like you don't know me when people are around, I'm gone. That isn't anything but an ego boast by destroying someone else. That is evil. A guy recently emailed me and said "you're hot, big girls need love too!" and I wrote him back and said "...but not from assholes." "Big girls need love too" is probably the worst phrase in the world. To me, it's like saying "black girls need love too." or "smokers need love too." - c'mon people. We are all the same. You have meat on your bones? So? Are you happy? Are you healthy? Do you have some common sense? Do you like pina coladas? Do you like getting caught in the rain? Then that is all that matters. If you aren't happy, do something about it besides eating that cheeseburger or fucking random people to make you feel better. And if you are one of those guys who like your women to look like this: Just...don't...don't..don't even talk to me.

Who are you?

I like to get to know people. I like to meet new people, or catch up with old friends - and see the person they are and have become. I like to know why people do the things they do. I am intrigued.

Maybe it's curious nature? Maybe I am just nosy? Who knows?

If meet someone for the first time, and I find them interesting enough to hold my attention - I could listen to them talk about themselves for hours.

This is probably why I'm not a fan of people who do a lot of drugs. I pay so much attention that when they rapidly change their minds - I get annoyed.

But, I digress about that.

It is refreshing when you have someone new that you don't really know. They know nothing about you. They don't know your history. Your stupid moments. Your failures. Your triumphs.

All they know is what you look like, and your name.

Amazing.

Clean slate.

You can be whoever you want to be in that moment. They can see only what you show them.

I always choose to be just me. It may be boring. But, if I really want this person in my life, they are going to know who I am eventually anyway. And I know how disappointing it is when someone tries to someone they are not.

Someone pretending to be someone else, what a waste of perfectly good friendship time. Tsk, tsk.

But, all in all, it's just great to show someone new the person you are. Your life, your loves, your passions, your interests.

They have no idea.

As I sat here typing this on my lunch break - Janet came over and without a word laid two hot french fries on my desk.

Hmmmm...

And ya know, sometimes it's nice when someone already knows the person you are, and likes you just the same.

Leaders & followers.

Camp taught me how to lead. It was training for adulthood. You never realize how much you learn until you walk away from the place you spent your entire adolsence being a part of. I'm not at all the person I was 10 years ago. But, the recent bon-fire brought back memories of camp....and then I started thinking about leaders. The leaders we are. The leaders we follow. The leaders who don't even realize they are one.

Emotional leadership has always seemed to have fallen easily with me. Maybe it's because I'm so tall? Maybe it's confidence? Maybe it's my big ass?

I know, I could convince my Gran to do anything with enough talking. Especially eating. I could get the woman to eat ...with enough talk about what I was eating...ha..

Sometimes, I have no idea why people actually listen or read what I have to say. Ever being influentual has never felt comfortable to me.

My ex-boss used to say that I was one who sought too much verification. Which, I guess, is why I rarely ask for help now. Unless I know it's from someone who can tell me the truth without bullshitting me around.

I would rather look at the situation as a whole and put my own emotions aside. I do this often. Especially when I'm not involved in the problem. But, when it comes to someone yelling at me about a problem that is NOT mine - this is where my emotions get involved.

Maybe my emotional disconnection from situations helps with the leadership some. I would much rather be a part of a group of like-minded individuals than have to take over a situation in an uncontrolled enviroment before we all get arrested.

...the latter seems to happen a lot with me, oddly.

Wikipedia (ya know, the bible for us 'net geeks), describes a leader as:

* maintaining a questioning attitude
* bolstering confidence in one's own decision-making abilities
* seeking independent verification through appropriate measurement and reporting infrastructures

So does number 3 mean you are a tattle-tale? Because that isn't me.

But I do have a questioning attitude. I question everything in my head. A bit too much.

And this is not saying I'd be a good supervisior over a team of people at work. No, I think I'd suck at that. I'm not aggressive enough. But, I can take a team of people - work on a project and get that project done. I can do that.

When I am at a party, and I realize the room has stopped talking and is paying attention to what I am saying - I feel very exposed. It's an odd feeling.

Sometimes, I wish I was a background person. That'd probably be a lot less dramatic life.

goals.

Okay, after taking turns from throwing up and laying on my bed staring at my ceiling I have come up with the following goals:

- I will not let the way other people view me bother me anymore. You think I'm a bitch, fine. You think I'm a whore, fine. You think I'm a lost cause, fine. None of these are true. But you want to believe them, do it!

- I will NOT let stress from my job interfere with my life. I hold things internally and rarely show it on the outside. Obviously, from the way my stomach has reacted today, I cannot do this anymore.

- I will not let the fact that someone doesn't want to be my friend or boyfriend affect me anymore. It's really their loss.

- I will not use someone else to feel better. I'd rather just fuck myself than fuck someone else and not feel anything.

- I pay what I can. If something needs to be paid, it'll just have to wait til I can. Nothing, not even food, is as important as the toll the stress is taking on my body.

- I will walk away from 23 and what we might've had.

- I will focus on what I need to do to make myself feel better. If that is leaving the internet, fine. If it is finding a new job, fine. If it is finding a new place to live, fine.

- I will sit here, watch Ninja Warrior and laugh at the commentator, as long as I possibly can.

Writing them out is the easy part. Keeping them is the hard part. Especially the 23 part. He's like a sweet madness.

Mistakes.

"Maybe our mistakes make our fate, without them what would shape our lives? If we never veered off course, we would never fall in love or be who we are."-- Carrie - SATC

I've been thinking a lot about mistakes.

Everyone makes them.

The balls it takes to admit you made a mistake is extremely difficult. You're admitting that you're not perfect, that you were in the wrong.

No one wants to be wrong or proven wrong.

Recently, I used someone to get over my feelings for someone else. I felt bad. But I kept doing it. I couldn't bring myself to confront why I was doing something so unlike me - why was I running? Why was I hiding?

Until I woke up and realized he was doing the exact same thing to me. Using me to get over someone.

This isn't a country song. This is playing with hearts. And I didn't like it. It was just an act. A Shakespearean lulluby if you will.

And worse is the fact that, even now, I don't feel bad. I don't even know if I would feel bad if I knew his heart was in it. Does this make me horrible? That I used someone to get over someone that I never had?

Maybe.

But I confronted my mistake. I admitted it. To myself. To him.

Then I spoke about what the real problem was to the person where my issues actually lied. If I didn't fix what was torn, I would continue to cover it with more mistakes.

Temporary solutions for what could have been a permanent problem.

I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't run from them. I know who I am.

Live and learn.

Although, I have been taught so much, you'd think I'd know how to write my own lesson plan.


-----------------------------

Ironically, while writing this blog in my journal during my break today. I was called into my boss' office. She says that she has noticed a lot of errors in my work. We discussed, I got a bit mad. I said "Everyone makes mistakes." She said "Yes, but you make the most."

That stung. Still does. She has no idea what kind of sore place in my brain she hit. And she never will.

Epic.

Logan: "I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me."
Veronica: "Epic how?"
Logan: "Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic! But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over."
Veronica: "Logan..."
Logan: "I'm sorry... about last summer. You know, if I could do it over..."
Veronica: "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"
Logan: "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."

Veronica Mars

I'm not an expert at relationships, god knows I know how to pick 'em. But, I know myself enough to know what I can deal with and what I can't. I can deal with troubles in a relationship. I can deal with making peace.

I decide within the first ten minutes how far I would let a guy go with me.

Occasionally, this will change once I get more in tune with him. Some people who I think I would want to be in a relationship with turn out to be a completely different person.

But love has never been a word I have tossed around aimlessly.

Romantic love means so much more to me than just saying the words. And I cannot count on one hand how many guys have said "I love you" to me just because they think it'll help them get laid. But you know what this does? It makes me run. Saying "I love you" to me too soon will make me run for the hills faster than someone saying "OJ has a gun!"

It's not that I am scared of love.

Okay, maybe I am scared of love. Love equals trust. Trusting a guy is the most difficult thing for me to do.

Looking back on my past relationships, I am in doubt on if I have ever truly been loved.

Well, I know A loved me. I know he did. But I know he could only love so far. We still acknowledge our past. We are glad that through it all we are friends. But, I doubt the awkwardness of seeing his boyfriend hit on him through facebook comments will ever go away.

I recently went to A for some guy advice. (Yea, I went to my gay ex-boyfriend for guy advice. Shuddup.)

"Q?"
"Sure."
"Straight up honest."
"Oh boy."

I laughed out loud. That 'straight up honest' thing has bite both of us in the ass many times. Even as friends. But, I know what he says is straight from the heart. He wound up being right and I fixed the problem.

14 years of drama, love, passion & pain will leave you with nothing but respect for the other person.

But, back to the topic at hand.

G once told me that I am 'settle down girl'. He said "You're the type of girl that has all her shit together so when a guy wants to settle and get married, you'll be the one."

Yeah, thanks for that. And if guys think I have all my shit together, dude I am completely giving off the wrong vibe.

There is only one guy in my life that what I feel for could be close to love. It's rare that I speak about him except for to my closest friends. The boy has more power than he should ever have with me. The King & Queen of bad-timing, I know our story isn't over. Where it will lead...who knows? He's in my heart regardless if I wind up with him or not.

And if he did marry her. If he did find someone new. If I never see him again. That's okay. Because there was a moment, a piece of time, when the boy looked at me - and smiled.

That makes me lucky.

Which is why I know that I could love him. I want him to be happy regardless of who he is with.

Because like Logan said, they don't write songs about the relationships that come easy.

Khoda.

God & I have had our issues. Our moments. Throughout my life, I have had my moments of doubt. The most recent was last year - while Gran was dying - sitting in the hospital chapel with Matt and saying "I think God is dead."

I had lost my faith.

My faith that had been so strong when I was younger. Especially during adolescence. How could have have sunk so low to think that god didn't exsist? How did I have the balls to sit in a place of comfort and worship and say it aloud? Who did I think I was?

I'll tell you who I was.

I was a lost little girl.

My life sunk. I sunk. And my faith in God sunk.

God & I have had many conversations since that night. A lot of heart to hearts.

Re-building faith is never easy. Especially when you're not sure where exactly to pin-point where you lost it.

My aunt doesn't make things easy.

She never does.

"Good christians don't go to bars."
"I go to bars."
"You're not a christian. You're not an anything."
"Ooooh...thanks for that one. So, what do good christians do? sit at home and read the bible all the time?"
"No, good christians do not go to dingy places to meet someone."
"How do good christians know that bars are dingy if they don't go to them?"
"Movies, TV!"
"Ooooh, so movies are real. Which means that Ariel is under the sea...so, let's just say this: You think I'm a whore, which you have stated numerous times. And I think you are a close-minded prude."

Yeah. This is a typical conversation between us.

So, I will say what I know.

I know that my god loves everyone.

Gay, straight.
Black, white.
Purple, yellow.
Big, small.
My god encourages others to be themselves.
My god lets everything happen for a reason.

And if I'm wrong, so be it. MY god loves me.

Response to my bulletin.

Today I was talking to a good friend of mine. We are 'strong ones', meaning we basically take more on than we should to try to make life better for everyone else around us. "I carry so much weight on my shoulders, sometimes I wonder..what if I stumble?" I said to her.

Tonight I came home to absolute stress. I know my mom does not realize how much she bitches at me. And I also know that I am usually not the person she is angry at. But, it has either -

A. gotten worse since she moved back or
B. become more noticable since then.

When I call her out on it, she calms down for about a day, then it's back with a vengence.

If it's not something in our shit-hole ghetto apartment that is going wrong (our air, the toilet), then it's a bill that I have failed to pay (the phone) if it's not that, it's about something I have failed to do fast enough (garbage run).

Tonight, we were on the phone for an hour & a half with our cell phone company. Did you know that no one at Sprint either knows what they are doing and/or speaks english? Yea, me either. I use all the professional "phone training" big words I could find in my headachy mind to show them what shitty customer service they have, and I was still hung up on twice.

During this time, I was attempting to eat pizza, for the second time in two days. Yes, unhealthy, I know. But, as Marianne said "I just could careless right now." My gurgle was back. After being free from it for about 32 hours. I was upset, I was tense, and I felt like I was once again going to be thrown into the chaos which is throwing up every meal.

So, my day: dr's office called on my way there to cancel my appointment, wasted vacation time, stressful day at work, on hold with Sprint, attempting to eat, feeling sick, and having my mom bitching into my other ear when I have barely been off of work for 30 minutes was a bit much for me.

Sometimes, I am too nice to people who don't deserve it. Not speaking of my mom. But, just in general. People take advantage that I am always going to be there to lean on. And, yet, for some reason, I am STILL nice to the people who treat me badly. I don't get that. People who I think are my friend - only for them to prove otherwise - and yet, I still try to make it better. Why do I do that?

I think it's time for me to just stop. It's getting me nowhere.

I went through and did a friends list cut. Everyone on my friends list is either a friend that I want to keep in touch with, a family member, a friend's band, or actors that I know are real.

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me in awhile. I love you guys. But I think I need a small break. My head is clogged.

The real me.

"Because I'm learning that a friends just a friend
until they are allowed inside...
And once the bars are removed, they
might just see something that they don't like..."
- Chris Carpenter

I have been having some deep thoughts lately. I think it all has to do with self-inventory, the person I was - the person I am - the person I am becoming.

Not that anything is wrong, no - I am actually good.

But, re-evaluating is a part of life. If you don't see the person you are...or the person you portray - how do you really know yourself?

In the past couple of days I have had some very interesting conversations.

The first would be a guy who has lied to me a lot. He & I have issues to work out, trust is gone and the friendship is teetering. He admitted that he lied because he was scared for me to know the 'real him'. That he isn't the best person. That he has made mistakes. That he isn't someone that he thinks I'd like. That he doesn't want to 'corrupt' me.

This isn't the first time I have had this conversation with someone. It all feels very deja vu.

The second conversation would be with an ex who is now a friend. We have seen each other at our best and seen each other at our absolute worse. We have been through more shit than two people probably could ever go through. But, somehow - we have become...comfortable. As weird as that sounds. He has seen the bitch in me, and I have seen the asshole that he usually is. For a long time, he kept his real self from me. It was hard to know the truth, still can be. But the respect is there. The respect for our past. The respect for our future apart. The respect for each other.

It can be odd to reflect and know that someone knows you, the real you, and still loves you just the same. That this person doesn't care what may have happened to you - or the shit you have suffered together. They have seen you at your rawest, at your lowest...and are still there.

Letting someone that close can be hard. I'll be the first to admit it. I keep my distance. Getting close to me is a challenge, and I don't make it easy. Especially if you have a penis.

But, I am now thinking to myself - is that WHY people want me to see the person they think I want to see? Do I portray a person who will judge you? who will drop you if I find out something you are ashamed of? who will walk away if you do something stupid? who is too good for them?

Because if that is what I am portraying, if that is what people think of me, I need to do something to change that. I would never ever do that.

However, it's hard to tell people to trust you when you, yourself, have a hard time trusting.

But...then again, that is just a part of me that needs work. The real me.

The girl.

The girl.
Current mood: content

Today, I was at work, listening to my music in my head - when "The Freshman" by the Verve (or was it the Verve Pipe? I always get them confused) came on. I started thinking about the fact that when that song came out I was 17. 10 years. 10 years of a lot of shit & heartache. Which lead me to all my relationships - romantic or friendships. Which, in turn lead me to all the guys. Yeah, boys, ya'll were on my mind. So, I started this - added to it throughout the day. It's not all about one person...some lines are - but it's not a poem...they are mostly random thoughts. Some of it has nothing to do with people on myspace. If you think one of the lines is about you, you can ask I have nothing to hide.

I'm the girl who wonders if you ever think of her.

I'm the girl who hopes you don't fall in love.

I'm the girl who still remembers those nights under the stars.

I'm the girl who believes in everything you do.

I'm the girl who wore the shirt you left to bed last night.

I'm the girl who wishes it never happened.

I'm the girl who knows you can do better.

I'm the girl who blocked most everything to do with you out of her head.

I'm the girl who is thankful for the time we spent together.

I'm the girl who never listened to that other chick.

I'm the girl who still has the milk-jug ring heart you made.

I'm the girl who fell asleep to your voice.

I'm the girl who likes the fact that you are happy.

I'm the girl who will never let you know how much you mean to her.

I'm the girl who you can drive crazy with a look.

I'm the girl who listened to you when no one else would.

I'm the girl who is glad she spent the night with you before your death.

I'm the girl who you used as a rebound.

I'm the girl who screamed at you until she lost her voice.

I'm the girl who cannot remember a time in her life without you.

I'm the girl who thinks you are too good looking to be normal.

I'm the girl who still has all your notes & letters.

I'm the girl who is proud of the man you have become.

I'm the girl who you ripped apart.

I'm the girl who you call 'sexy' in sweatpants.

I'm the girl who thinks of you every fucking time that song comes on.

I'm the girl who hurt you, and I'm sorry.

I'm the girl who still thinks you're an asshole.

I'm the girl who would wait forever for you.

I'm the girl who remembers lunch with you & your guitar.

I'm the girl who hopes her chance isn't gone.

I'm the girl who you made laugh, even when she didn't want to smile.

I'm the girl who never had to fight or compete for your attention.

I'm the girl who misses your family more than she misses you.

I'm the girl who you forgot.

I'm the girl who would have given you the world.

Nice women finish last.

Steph: "Do you think you could ever hurt someone to get what you want?"
Me: "I don't know. I feel, in my head, that if I have to do something that I don't want done to me to get what I want - it won't be worth it."
Steph: See, you're too nice."

I have been thinking about this conversation a lot lately, due to some recent events.

I am always the girl who steps aside. I am always the girl who gives up for others to be happy. I am always the girl who somehow gets kicked because of other people's drama.

But, I am also a girl who when asked an opinion, will give it. Regardless of any feelings I may have.

I love my friend Beech. I do. But, she has a husband whom is not my favorite person...just because of the way he can treat her. She knows how I feel. I make no secret of it. But, when she comes to me for advice, I give it - unbiased.

I used to have feelings for my friend Tony. When he started dating Carol, I was hurt. But, I gave her my opinion on why I thought he was doing the things he was doing - unbiased. Regardless of how I felt.

I once had the opportunity to have one night with the one person in the entire world I have always wanted to be with. But, I turned him down. Not because of what I thought might happen to my head afterward - but because of the fact that I knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know her. Knew she didn't like me anyway. And it would have been no loss for me. I realized that I would never want that to happen to me if I loved someone. If I trusted someone.

Today, I sat at McDonald's talking to Alicia. I said "Maybe I should be a bitch. Maybe I should be someone who sleeps with the guys who have girlfriends. Maybe I should try to knock girls out of the way. Being nice causes me nothing but confusion and issues. Maybe I should be evil."

She looked at me, straight in the eye.

Long silent stare.

Then she slowly said "If you ever do that, you won't be cheating only them. You'll be cheating you. Stay true to yourself."

Right there, on McDonald's playground, I felt like I someone took my shoulders & shook me.

To the people who are pissed at me for stating my opinion, thanks but I'm done doubting myself. I don't play games & I don't judge. I'm a real woman. And yes, unfortunately, I will probably always come in last.


But at least I'm me.

Looking for...

Looking for....
Current mood: contemplative

I was looking at yahoo personals, just browsing and you are suppose to put what are looking for as far as personality...and stuff. I sat there - thinking - 'what AM I looking for in a man?' Hmm...

So, I made a list. Because, that is what I do.


- No drug addictions. Occasional pot is okay. But if you are a completely different person high than you are when you're not, I'll pass.

- No cruelty. If you see a bunny, you don't kick it.

- No absolute refusal of taking pictures. Not smiling, fine. But if you become a complete bitch about my camera, we have a problem.

- No clinging. You wanna talk everyday? Cool. But if you want to be around me allllll the fucking time and whine when I go to work? Yeah, see ya.

- No future plans? No me.

- No trying to force me to eat bad things. Okay, so this is something small - but I don't have a very big stomach anymore. One bite of cake is cool. Don't try to force-feed me. I'm not a child.

- Don't try to marry me after a month. I am 28 & single for a reason, people.

- Remember things I say. It doesn't have to be everything. But if I say "I'm a gemini" remember it.

- Enjoy sex. Okay, so that one isn't so hard. I'm not a girl who minds a 2am booty-call from a boyfriend.

- Don't mind sitting home and watching a movie occasionally.

- Know that I have guy friends. Ask who they are. Don't get automatically jealous.

- Hug me. A lot.

- Like kids. Because I am around them.

- Get along with the family. They will all kick your ass.

- Know that I talk about you to my girlfriends.

- Don't look at me for money. Seriously. I have $2.98 in the bank til next weekend, you think I can support you?

- Speaking of, have a job.

- Play a sport with me.

- Smell good. At least clean.

- I enjoy nicknames. Honestly, I don't mind them.

- Put up with my quirks & issues without dropping me. Sometimes I just need someone to listen.

- Pick on me.

- No 'baby-mama-drama'. If you have a 'baby mama' know that I am out of that, and while I will listen to you, I will also be extremely nice to her. Because I like you, and she is a part of your life - like it or not.

- Even if you can't sing. Sing to me. I won't mind.

- Don't be selfish, gawsh. Guys are so bad at this.

- Yeah, I don't have a perfect body, neither do you.

- Have something you believe in. God? Life? Person? Something.

- I shouldn't have to feel like I am draining blood from a lemon to get you to talk to me.

I can give or take a little, of course.

I put those into my personal ad, it came back with 'no matches found'.

Sigh. Such is life.

Role models. Or lack there of.

Today, while keying a 727 line order, and blasting Tom Petty in my head, I started thinking about role models.
I was a camp counsler, and tried to be the best role model I could be. Although, I admit, I was young - and had some stupid moments throughout the years. Did some things, said some things I probably should never have. But I always tried to show my girls how to respect themselves and be themselves no matter what others said.

Did I do a good job? I have no idea. You would have to ask Molly, Katie or Ginny.

I'd like to hope that I did.

Growing up, I always considered a role model to be someone who is strong, brave, and shows others how to be the same. Someone who, when you look at them - you say "I wanna be just like them."

In real life, my mom & grandma are my role models. When I was a child? She-ra & Debbie Gibson.

But, I feel as though nowadays, little girls are looking up the wrong celebrities as role models.

In the past two months, Paris, Nicole & Lohan have all been arrested for DUI. These are people, no matter how much the TRY to deny it, are in the public eye and LITTLE girls look up to them.

What kind of message does this send out? "You can be beautiful like me, you'll have to get coked-up, weigh less than 105 pounds, fuck someone on camera and stumble around drunk...."

Where did all the heroes go? Did they do the same, but hide it better?

What in your opinion is the definition of a role model?

The lonely salad.

The lonely salad.
Current mood: sad

Today I came home, checked the mail - turned some lights on and we went straight up the hospital.

My granny has gotten worse since yesterday. The nurses say that her body is just so weak that it's not responding like they had hoped to the medicine. She isn't talking anymore. She will follow your finger with her eyes - and she attempts to smile. Her face lite up with reconization when I leaned over her and said "Hi, pumpkin pie, I told you I'd be back today..."

Me & Matt eventually made our way down to eat. He went to go smoke first. I made myself a salad - then went over to the drink machine. The sprite wouldn't come on - I kept putting my cup under it with nothing coming out but sputter. I teared up - and just walked away from it. I paid for my salad, and sat alone eating it.

It was probably the loneliest salad I have ever had.

Matt & Riley came back and ate with me. Then went back up the room. We were there maybe another hour when the nurses came to move her to ICU.

The ICU waiting room was so full & uncomfortable I found myself getting restless. I walked down to the chapel, where I found Matt playing the out of tune piano.

It was weird being in the chapel - something just came over me. Matt was looking at the bible. I sat there, staring at a dove on the stained-glass. I found myself saying aloud "I think god is dead."

It's not that I believe that. I don't. Matt knows I don't. I know I don't.

Matt got quiet, still looking down at the bible, then said "And God said unto Moses, I am that I am."

I said "No, I don't think God is dead. I just don't understand why things happen the way they do."
Matt says "I don't think anyone does. We just make the best of it."
"I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay."
"I know. Just don't lose what you know is true..you know he's there. And you know he listens."

Matt is the best cousin a person could have.

We walked back up and I got to go see her before I left. She was so sedated, her eyes are just glossed over and she doesn't look at you when you talk to her. She just stares into space.

I know God isn't dead. But I sure know my salad was lonely.

The little girl.

I hate it when I don't get myspace notifications in my email. It pisses me off.

Went to see Brokeback Mountain today. Wow, what an incredible film. Not just because it was about two, hot, gay cowboys - but just the story.

The overall concept that sometimes - no matter where life might take you - there is going to be one person that you will always love. And you will fight with it. You will deny it. You will everything in your power to stop it. But, deep down, it will always be there.

Heath Ledger DESERVES any award he gets for that film. Holy crap. I can totally relate to his character. Not that I have an attraction to a female, but the way he cuts himself off from feeling anything. It has really made me think. If I think someone is getting too close, I will push them away. I build walls. Big brick, sturdy walls. I do. I know I do. So, I went back and reread one of my favorite quotes from the movie "Great Expectations":

"Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you?" - Estella

Maybe the little girl inside me will learn to trust and knock some walls down to expose the daylight someday. Until then, though, she will be in the dark in my head - telling me that everyone who I let have too close will hurt me..

Ahh..on a lighter note - I have lost 11 pounds in a month! Good times.