The dining dead.

The dining dead.
Current mood: bored

"Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? " - Joel, Eternal Sunshine

Last night, we went to Shoney's. It was dead as most of Smyrna were watching the fireworks. Few families here & there spread out. We were seated a table away from an older couple. When I say older, I mean it. He had a oxygen tank hooked to his pants - the tangled wires pulling up to his nose and curving around his ears. She was heavy-set, wrinkles, granny-face. Looked as though she only wore her teeth when she went out.

While there, I noticed the couple never made eye-contact. Never smiled at each other. No discussion. No questions. Nothing.

At first I thought that maybe they were just hungry. When you are starvin', there is no time to talk. But then the old man got choked. She never asked him if he was okay. She, honestly, didn't even looked up

I looked across the table at my mom & Poppy as they giggled like teenagers. It was a sharp contrast.

The old man finished his plate and said "welp, you ready to go?" she put her napkin in her plate and shook her head yes.

I hope that when I find the person I will grow old with, I will at least like them toward the end. Becoming a part of the dining dead doesn't interest me. I want to know that in my 70's, my husband will at least ask me if I'm okay if I am choked. Or ask me if I like the fish. Or...even acknowledge I'm there.

Single Resident.

Single Resident.
Current mood: rockin

"I wish that just once people wouldn't act like the clichés that they are." - Claire, Six Feet Under

I always hated the term "singles". It gets on my nerves. And it signals in my brain that "single=sad".

One thing I especially dislike are those ads you get in the mail. Instead of putting a name or 'resident' on the address label, the put 'single resident'. Meaning "if you're married, nevermind. Give this to your lonely friend."

Not everyone who is single is lonely and sad. I fall into the single by choice group. Sure, sometimes I miss companionship. And sometimes I do get lonely. But, even married people get lonely. Anyone who says they don't get lonely is probably lying.

"Singles" though...the reason why it gets on my nerves so bad is the fact that the advertisers ASSUME we are lonely and desperate. "Lonely? We have the perfect place to meet singles!"...right.

Just because your not in an exclusive relationship doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Which is usually what is implied to me, at 29.

I have the same conversation with a girl-friend of mine every few months:

Her: "So, what happened with...so-and-so..?"
Me: "Meh, that didn't really work out."
Her: "Awww ...well, you'll find someone."

I dislike this conversation so much. I have now started replying with 'do I look worried?' it's kinda like she's saying "you are so sad...waiting for the knight to rescue you." Puleaze, life isn't a fairy-tale. And if it is, I'm most definitely not that bitch Rapunzel.

I've met some of the men on those "singles" sites. They were all unwashed masses or guys looking to get laid. While guys are always wanting to get laid, these guys made me perfectly clear that it was the only thing they were after.

Hey, I'm all for the sex. I do enjoy that part of a relationship (as my girlfriends all can vouch for my adoration of the physical romps). But, if I'm going to actually talk to one guy and focus on him, he's going to have to give me more than just physical. If you don't stimulant my mind as well, I'm going to get bored, realize that I am wasting my time and there will be no more romping with me.

Kinda like the time that Carrie Bradshaw dated the 20-something guy - he was all seductive in bed then they woke up in the morning for him to say "WHOA! I had this dream where I had these really big hands...and they were like....big. Big hands, man...and I could like....see 'em...and they would reach out...heavy like big hands..."

That's probably why I'm single by choice at this point. I wasted my time on too many. I'd rather just waste my time with myself. At least I'm interesting. I don't have big hand, I don't need to be rescued and I'm not a single "sad & lonely" resident.

How do they do it?

First off, I want to say that this blog is not directed to any one person. Believe me, I have no problems with anyone. If I did, you’d know. These are just thoughts. Musings. That popped around in my brain today while doing work.

How do people jump from relationship to relationship? How does that happen? And why am I lacking that part of the brain that can easily move from one person to another mindlessly?

While it is true, I make (and still make) mistakes, but I know I cannot handle a steady, long-term relationship at this point. While it’d be nice. And I do miss it. I am working on my internal issues right now.

It may sound selfish. But, focusing on myself at this moment is the only way I will be able to maintain a steady relationship in the future. You cannot love someone until you love yourself.

Right now, any guy that I see or talk to are not long-term in my head. Long-term for me means to talk and become friends as well as anything else. If I establish a friendship right now with a guy, future possibilities are always open. You never know what will happen, ya know? I am in no hurry.

But, here’s what I don’t get:

People who get into a relationship. Three months later get married. Three months later break up. Two months later get back together. One month later get divorced. Start new relationship.

How, exactly, does that work?

If you move on so easily, was it ever really love?

Because I know that if I am in a relationship, an actual relationship, it takes me months to accept and move on.

Am I built differently?

While I said before, I miss having someone. I do not miss losing who I am. My identity. Which, the mind set I was in at least, caused a lot of the problems I had in my past. I want to be in a relationship because I like him that much. Not because I "need" someone by my side.

So, is that how people jump? They need someone? Or that they don’t know how to function without it?

I’m curious if it’s me or them. Or the way we are built.

Mental torture.

I'm an 'observer'.

I would rather people watch outside of wal-mart than actually go in and fight the crowd.

When I'm dating a new guy, I like to watch his interaction with the people around him. Hear his opinions on different topics. This is, ultimatly, the deciding factors on if I like him or not. Chemistry, I guess.

I'm not a fan of people who are always negative. Yea, we can all have days where it feels like the world has crapped on us. And yes, I have been known to do my fair share (and beyond) of whining. People who are constantly bitter, finding the bad, and generally bring the crowd down are not really my type of people.

I had an ex who was like this. We butted heads a number of time about the fact that I had too much optimism, he had too much pessimism. While I know the world is imperfect, searching out the cause and fixing the problem usually helps. He would have rather whined about how awful his life is.

...of course, this is why he's now an ex.

I don't want someone who constantly brings me down.

I have a friend who is in a relationship like this. Her boyfriend isn't the best to her. In fact, it is more of an emotional abusive in terms of weighing the moments she feels happy against the moments she feels bad/mad.

When it first started, she'd ask me "what should I do?" my answer was a blunt "Leave." but, she wouldn't. She won't.

I still listen to her vent about him and his lack of respect for her. She always adds in, "I'm leaving, I don't care...", but she never does. She never asks for my opinion anymore. She knows what I'm going to say.

There comes a point where the person has to make up their mind for themselves. What was that old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink"? No matter how much you share your opinion, and no matter how much someone knows what the right decision is - it is ultimatly up to them.

I know I'd rather be by myself than be with someone who treates me badly. I think a relationship should be friendship above all else. But, people are selfish. It's our nature.

People who use money, children, housing, or our emotional/physical nature to make us stay - are the worst kind of people to be in a relationship with. That's not anything but a form of mental torture.

...and I hate observing friend who I know deserve better not having the strenght to do something about it.

50 Things She Wishes You Knew.

50 Things She Wishes You Knew
Current mood: cold

Julie & I discussed the following article at Menshealth.com at length yesterday. The ones we DON'T agree with, are NOT highlighted below:

50 Things She Wishes You Knew

Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Great tits, Avon.

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Real men wear dog-tags.

I have a thing for dog-tags.

Not on dogs, but on men.

It's my thing.

Fetish, if you will.

I think they are hot.

Like, the guy wearing them doesn't have to be in the military or have a rocking body or even know what they are! But, if he is wearing dog-tags - the cool points jump for me.

I thought for awhile that it was just a 23 thing. I remember he would hug me, and his dog-tags would be cold against my chest. And it was...*ahem* alllll good. I would do this thing where I'd grab them and say they were "HOOOOOT!" - I guess I made a funny face because he'd crack up everytime.

One time on the phone he said "So, I could be fat & ugly - but as long as I have these, I'm in your good graces?" I said "You are already fat & ugly." he said "Oooooh...ooookay." I said "Just wear your dog-tags, you'll get laid."

Haha...well, he has more than just dog-tags in his favor. But, enough about him...

Now I know it's just, as Steph says, 'my' thing. Some people like feet, some people like hairy arm-pits (!), some people like to pretend they are vampires, I...just like dog-tags. They make me bite my lower lip and think bad things.

This guy named Marcus I'm kinda talking to. He wears them. *growl*

Just beautiful. Beautiful boys with beautiful tags.

This blog really didn't have a point. I should stop babbling now.

Guys suck.

Guys suck.

They are all assholes.

Yes, all.

I'm done with the penis.

All penis' are attached to dicks.

All dicks have a dick.

If I have one more guy just flat out tell me that I'm not good enough for them, I will probably have to go postal on the penis.

Tamela Bobbit.

I'm tired of guys with low-self esteem who are so scared that they will actually have to be more than just a good lay.

Fuck you too, bub.

So, any guy reading this - you want quality over quantity? You want a woman instead of a girl?

Of course not.

It's so sad.

I'm done.

Maybe I should go gay.

No, I heard there is more drama when playing for my own team. I don't need any more drama queens/kings in my life.

....I just need a guy to be nice to me. Not two different people.

And not any motherfuckers.

I'm sick of this.

Just don't waste my time anymore.

Epic.

Logan: "I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me."
Veronica: "Epic how?"
Logan: "Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic! But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over."
Veronica: "Logan..."
Logan: "I'm sorry... about last summer. You know, if I could do it over..."
Veronica: "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"
Logan: "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."

Veronica Mars

I'm not an expert at relationships, god knows I know how to pick 'em. But, I know myself enough to know what I can deal with and what I can't. I can deal with troubles in a relationship. I can deal with making peace.

I decide within the first ten minutes how far I would let a guy go with me.

Occasionally, this will change once I get more in tune with him. Some people who I think I would want to be in a relationship with turn out to be a completely different person.

But love has never been a word I have tossed around aimlessly.

Romantic love means so much more to me than just saying the words. And I cannot count on one hand how many guys have said "I love you" to me just because they think it'll help them get laid. But you know what this does? It makes me run. Saying "I love you" to me too soon will make me run for the hills faster than someone saying "OJ has a gun!"

It's not that I am scared of love.

Okay, maybe I am scared of love. Love equals trust. Trusting a guy is the most difficult thing for me to do.

Looking back on my past relationships, I am in doubt on if I have ever truly been loved.

Well, I know A loved me. I know he did. But I know he could only love so far. We still acknowledge our past. We are glad that through it all we are friends. But, I doubt the awkwardness of seeing his boyfriend hit on him through facebook comments will ever go away.

I recently went to A for some guy advice. (Yea, I went to my gay ex-boyfriend for guy advice. Shuddup.)

"Q?"
"Sure."
"Straight up honest."
"Oh boy."

I laughed out loud. That 'straight up honest' thing has bite both of us in the ass many times. Even as friends. But, I know what he says is straight from the heart. He wound up being right and I fixed the problem.

14 years of drama, love, passion & pain will leave you with nothing but respect for the other person.

But, back to the topic at hand.

G once told me that I am 'settle down girl'. He said "You're the type of girl that has all her shit together so when a guy wants to settle and get married, you'll be the one."

Yeah, thanks for that. And if guys think I have all my shit together, dude I am completely giving off the wrong vibe.

There is only one guy in my life that what I feel for could be close to love. It's rare that I speak about him except for to my closest friends. The boy has more power than he should ever have with me. The King & Queen of bad-timing, I know our story isn't over. Where it will lead...who knows? He's in my heart regardless if I wind up with him or not.

And if he did marry her. If he did find someone new. If I never see him again. That's okay. Because there was a moment, a piece of time, when the boy looked at me - and smiled.

That makes me lucky.

Which is why I know that I could love him. I want him to be happy regardless of who he is with.

Because like Logan said, they don't write songs about the relationships that come easy.

Tick, tick.

So, I am feeling a little emotional tonight. You'll have to forgive me if I break down in tears. Okay, so no one will know if I do break down in tears, since I am sitting alone in my room. But, there will probably be tears.

I do not understand people.

Do people not realize that things you say...your reactions...yeah, they have an affect on others?

Okay, I am not making sense. Let me gather my thoughts and speak more clearly.

Today, I had a sex & the city moment in the gyno's office.

I have been rescheduled by my gyno for my yearly appointment twice in a month. Both times I was actually on my way to her office.

Rebecca said this morning "you better call and make sure that she really wants to see you this time."

So, I get there. Get weighed. Pee in the cup. The nurse comes in, dips the stick to make sure there is no pregnancy (to which I used Shannan's great reply of "is there a star in the north?") and gives me the two different paper clothes.

The blue thing, fits around you like a backward hospital gown; opens in the front. The white thing, you cover lap with.

There I sit, completely awkward, naked, wrapped in paper. The nurse comes back in, asking standard questions...when was your last period, blah blah blah ...and she said:

"How old are you?"
"28."
"No kids?"
"Nope."
"Wow, 28 and no kids, that surprises me."
I was taken aback. "Why is that?"
"Oh, I don't mean it has an insult! I just don't encounter it often. Do you want kids?"
"Someday."
"Ah. Well, I know that I had to have my kids as soon as possible. Tick tick, ya know..so what are you here for?"

Yeah, because no one actually goes to the gyno for their yearly appointments.

She tick tick'ed me.

I was tick tick'ed!

I have 12 years before my tick tocks, you stupid heifer!

Who does she think she is? Just because she could push them out so fast doesn't mean that we all have to start farting out babies at 19. Or 16. Or 22.

That nurse should have just stabbed me right there in the vagina.

I wanted to scream "it's not my fault that every guy I meet says 'I'm not ready for a relationship'. but we can have sex!" Fuck you men! Just fuck you. No wait, that is all you want so nevermind!

*deep breath*

My gyno came in. Very cute. Pushed on my boobs, then I was extremely exposed, my legs in stirrups, and my womanhood a mere three inches from her face; I felt really lonely.

Only thing wrong, I have a sore ovary. It happens. Probably because it's thinking 'fuck, I give up, she isn't getting anywhere.'

I came home, changed into my pjs and went to sleep.

tick...tick...echoing.

I have been emotional since. I teared up at "how I met your mother". Yeah, the fucking sitcom. Fucking Barney being a wingman again made me cry!

Julie, you know how we said that you are Carrie, I'm Miranda and Kristi is Charlotte (just a toned down version)?

Yea, I just don't have her sarcasm. I am slowly BECOMING her.

Sigh. I am going back to bed.

Miranda: "Your good friend Miranda has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic."

Sappo.

So, I guess I didn't realize how many people actually paid attention to my bulletins. Recently, I said that "I made out with a groupie and found a new lesbian lover."

Okay, so stop panicking, I didn't make out with a girl. You really think that if I was going to come out, that I'd do it in a bulletin? C'mon now.

Of course, this isn't the first time I have been questioned on my sexuality.

Few years ago, someone at work asked a friend of mine if I was gay because I was sitting close to a girl who was wearing a shirt that said "I love freshman girls" when I was in Philly.

While I love my Natalie (who is coming to see me in a WEEK!) and I know she loves me, we aren't lovers. Although, after I told her the story that people thought we were gay - the joke has continued to this day that we are lesbian lovers. The shirt she wore was an inside joke.

My aunt has asked my mom NUMEROUS times if I was a lesbian. Even when I have a boyfriend. Because, in her eyes, a 28 year old woman who ISN'T married HAS to be gay.

*eye-roll*

While I'm not offended if someone asks me if I am a lesbian, because I don't feel there is anything to be offended about, I am not gay.

The closest I have gotten is a drunken pop-kiss.

The thought of kissing a girl doesn't gross me out. Girls are soft, duh. But the thought of doing....other stuff with a girl doesn't really appeal to me.

So, I will cuddle (which is what I was doing friday night with the groupie because we were the only two girls); give smooches on the cheek; have some great hugs; listen to some Indigo Girls, and tell our boyfriends that we are going to have hot lesbian sex.

I love my gays. Guy or girl. And I love my straights. And I love my bi's. Fuck, I just love the world. My heart is big enough for everyone.

But as far as sex, yeah I like the penis. The penis is good. Well...depending on the owner.

Playing games with a player.

Sometimes I wonder what....exactly I am doing.

It is common knowledge that George is a player. And into mindgames. He likes them, and lord knows before I realized how he was - I fell into his trap. I, honestly, didn't know what a player was.

No wait, I take that back. I knew. I used to be best friends with Trever Glover.

But I was never in Trever's line of fire.

I could, right now, stop talking to George - hanging out with him, being around him, sleeping with him...and I don't think I'd give a shit.

So, my question is, why do I feel bad?

It's not like he seems to care. I think I am just a convience. Someone to fuck when he has a chance. And....that's fine with me? This isn't me. I am not like this. Am I at rock bottom and don't even realize it?

But, when I try to leave - try to tell him to leave me alone. He starts calling constantly, showing up unannouced. But, when we are actually talking, we spend more time aurguing than anything.

We were bickering last night. My mom asked me if things were okay when I went to the kitchen. I said "Yeah, you heard us?" she said "I thought, they are at it again..."

He says he's just an asshole who can't get enough of me. "Why, because I'm a bitch who doesn't take your shit?" "Yes, because you fight back."

I'm a challenge, I suppose.

And there is a very tiny part of me that thinks "is it me? have I become so fucking hard and cold that this will be my relationships from now on?" - but I know deep down that isn't true. If I had someone that I knew I could trust...that actually took the time to get over my wall - I think I could take a chance. At least I almost did about a month ago. But that is a different story.

Back to my point, I'm getting him to be more honest with me. But, getting him to talk to me - OPENLY - is like trying to get lemon juice from peanut butter. He's lied so many times about so many big ass things. And his....whatever she is - bitch? - she would never make any type of meaningful relationship with him easy.

I guess that is why I really don't care. I don't know if, at this point, he is worth even trying to get along with. My girlfriends would agree with me, I know.

I don't want someone to fight with. Not for the long term.

I'm not that girl.

Someone recently told me that you have to play games to get guys. I have never been into that, not since I matured. I'm into saying what I feel and walking away if someone doesn't feel the same.

...and if this is what playing games with a player feels like.....

....no wonder so many girls feel bad about themselves.

Bitching about bitches.

Bitching about bitches.
Current mood: bitchy

Fuck.

I'm tired of jealous bitches.

Bitches - Just because you feel bad about yourself doesn't mean that you have to make life hell for those who actually LIKE ourselves.

If he liked you, he'd be with YOU. Get the fuck over yourself.

Every guy I talk to or HAVE talked to has some girl who wants him and will destroy everything in their power to get him. Seriously, what the fuck are you fighting for?

No guy is THAT good in bed (not even YOU, haha).

If he is really worth all the fighting and carrying on that you do....then why he is calling ME at 2am? All your doing - all that...bitching? yeah, all that is doing is making him feel better about himself. "Ohhh..she wants me baaad..." And trapping a guy into a relationship because you have a kid does nothing but hurt the kid, selfish bitch.

I refuse to fight a girl over a guy. Just like I said to Carol one time "Fight? Us? Seriously? I mean, we might break a nail!" Fighting over a guy is so junior high. I'm out of junior high. I have been out of a junior high mind-state for like 13 years now.

A guy is not a competition I want to win. What would the prize be? A penis? Yeah, I have about 8 of those. And at least THEY know how to get me off.

So, yes...I like companionship. Yes, I like guys. Yes, love is the ultimate high.

But, girls....gah...girls...

If he doesn't like you, deal with it. Find someone who does. Then again, if you don't like yourself - then you'll be in the same situation.

The girl.

The girl.
Current mood: content

Today, I was at work, listening to my music in my head - when "The Freshman" by the Verve (or was it the Verve Pipe? I always get them confused) came on. I started thinking about the fact that when that song came out I was 17. 10 years. 10 years of a lot of shit & heartache. Which lead me to all my relationships - romantic or friendships. Which, in turn lead me to all the guys. Yeah, boys, ya'll were on my mind. So, I started this - added to it throughout the day. It's not all about one person...some lines are - but it's not a poem...they are mostly random thoughts. Some of it has nothing to do with people on myspace. If you think one of the lines is about you, you can ask I have nothing to hide.

I'm the girl who wonders if you ever think of her.

I'm the girl who hopes you don't fall in love.

I'm the girl who still remembers those nights under the stars.

I'm the girl who believes in everything you do.

I'm the girl who wore the shirt you left to bed last night.

I'm the girl who wishes it never happened.

I'm the girl who knows you can do better.

I'm the girl who blocked most everything to do with you out of her head.

I'm the girl who is thankful for the time we spent together.

I'm the girl who never listened to that other chick.

I'm the girl who still has the milk-jug ring heart you made.

I'm the girl who fell asleep to your voice.

I'm the girl who likes the fact that you are happy.

I'm the girl who will never let you know how much you mean to her.

I'm the girl who you can drive crazy with a look.

I'm the girl who listened to you when no one else would.

I'm the girl who is glad she spent the night with you before your death.

I'm the girl who you used as a rebound.

I'm the girl who screamed at you until she lost her voice.

I'm the girl who cannot remember a time in her life without you.

I'm the girl who thinks you are too good looking to be normal.

I'm the girl who still has all your notes & letters.

I'm the girl who is proud of the man you have become.

I'm the girl who you ripped apart.

I'm the girl who you call 'sexy' in sweatpants.

I'm the girl who thinks of you every fucking time that song comes on.

I'm the girl who hurt you, and I'm sorry.

I'm the girl who still thinks you're an asshole.

I'm the girl who would wait forever for you.

I'm the girl who remembers lunch with you & your guitar.

I'm the girl who hopes her chance isn't gone.

I'm the girl who you made laugh, even when she didn't want to smile.

I'm the girl who never had to fight or compete for your attention.

I'm the girl who misses your family more than she misses you.

I'm the girl who you forgot.

I'm the girl who would have given you the world.

Nice women finish last.

Steph: "Do you think you could ever hurt someone to get what you want?"
Me: "I don't know. I feel, in my head, that if I have to do something that I don't want done to me to get what I want - it won't be worth it."
Steph: See, you're too nice."

I have been thinking about this conversation a lot lately, due to some recent events.

I am always the girl who steps aside. I am always the girl who gives up for others to be happy. I am always the girl who somehow gets kicked because of other people's drama.

But, I am also a girl who when asked an opinion, will give it. Regardless of any feelings I may have.

I love my friend Beech. I do. But, she has a husband whom is not my favorite person...just because of the way he can treat her. She knows how I feel. I make no secret of it. But, when she comes to me for advice, I give it - unbiased.

I used to have feelings for my friend Tony. When he started dating Carol, I was hurt. But, I gave her my opinion on why I thought he was doing the things he was doing - unbiased. Regardless of how I felt.

I once had the opportunity to have one night with the one person in the entire world I have always wanted to be with. But, I turned him down. Not because of what I thought might happen to my head afterward - but because of the fact that I knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know her. Knew she didn't like me anyway. And it would have been no loss for me. I realized that I would never want that to happen to me if I loved someone. If I trusted someone.

Today, I sat at McDonald's talking to Alicia. I said "Maybe I should be a bitch. Maybe I should be someone who sleeps with the guys who have girlfriends. Maybe I should try to knock girls out of the way. Being nice causes me nothing but confusion and issues. Maybe I should be evil."

She looked at me, straight in the eye.

Long silent stare.

Then she slowly said "If you ever do that, you won't be cheating only them. You'll be cheating you. Stay true to yourself."

Right there, on McDonald's playground, I felt like I someone took my shoulders & shook me.

To the people who are pissed at me for stating my opinion, thanks but I'm done doubting myself. I don't play games & I don't judge. I'm a real woman. And yes, unfortunately, I will probably always come in last.


But at least I'm me.

Go ahead...play with my head.

Do you think it's true that some people are just in your life to cause you to re-think everything? Because I'm starting to believe that.

Everytime I meet a new guy and think he's great, something causes it to go down hill and crumble. And I am left staring at my ceiling for hours.

Why? Why do guys find it fun to fuck with my head?

"I think you're great, but I'm not ready for a relationship."

Oh, so you just want me to fuck you, right? That's cool with you. Just use me for a little while. Couple of naked minutes and we'll be done. It'll be fine, right?

I think that line, above, that I have heard from four different guys in a year should be banned.

ESPECIALLY, if you are like one of the guys mentioned above, who used the line, then moved a girl in with him a week later. Not ready for a relationship...my ass. Just say "I don't like you like that." be a fucking man.

No one is perfect. I know that. But I just want someone who's just going to be nice to me and not fuck with my head to try to get what they want. Just tell me the truth. No matter how bad it is. No matter how much it hurts. I'd rather be honest. People can be stupid. People can make mistakes. But just covering shit up with more shit is just that - a bunch of shit.

I don't want to be in other people's drama, but I don't want to be completely obviously either. It makes me look naive and stupid.

And if you are going to post a comment saying "you'll find someone" blah blah, bullshit - save it. I'm not in the mood. I'm bitter and I want someone to beat the bitch who kept me up all night telling me the truth about a guy who I once considered a nice person.

Looking for...

Looking for....
Current mood: contemplative

I was looking at yahoo personals, just browsing and you are suppose to put what are looking for as far as personality...and stuff. I sat there - thinking - 'what AM I looking for in a man?' Hmm...

So, I made a list. Because, that is what I do.


- No drug addictions. Occasional pot is okay. But if you are a completely different person high than you are when you're not, I'll pass.

- No cruelty. If you see a bunny, you don't kick it.

- No absolute refusal of taking pictures. Not smiling, fine. But if you become a complete bitch about my camera, we have a problem.

- No clinging. You wanna talk everyday? Cool. But if you want to be around me allllll the fucking time and whine when I go to work? Yeah, see ya.

- No future plans? No me.

- No trying to force me to eat bad things. Okay, so this is something small - but I don't have a very big stomach anymore. One bite of cake is cool. Don't try to force-feed me. I'm not a child.

- Don't try to marry me after a month. I am 28 & single for a reason, people.

- Remember things I say. It doesn't have to be everything. But if I say "I'm a gemini" remember it.

- Enjoy sex. Okay, so that one isn't so hard. I'm not a girl who minds a 2am booty-call from a boyfriend.

- Don't mind sitting home and watching a movie occasionally.

- Know that I have guy friends. Ask who they are. Don't get automatically jealous.

- Hug me. A lot.

- Like kids. Because I am around them.

- Get along with the family. They will all kick your ass.

- Know that I talk about you to my girlfriends.

- Don't look at me for money. Seriously. I have $2.98 in the bank til next weekend, you think I can support you?

- Speaking of, have a job.

- Play a sport with me.

- Smell good. At least clean.

- I enjoy nicknames. Honestly, I don't mind them.

- Put up with my quirks & issues without dropping me. Sometimes I just need someone to listen.

- Pick on me.

- No 'baby-mama-drama'. If you have a 'baby mama' know that I am out of that, and while I will listen to you, I will also be extremely nice to her. Because I like you, and she is a part of your life - like it or not.

- Even if you can't sing. Sing to me. I won't mind.

- Don't be selfish, gawsh. Guys are so bad at this.

- Yeah, I don't have a perfect body, neither do you.

- Have something you believe in. God? Life? Person? Something.

- I shouldn't have to feel like I am draining blood from a lemon to get you to talk to me.

I can give or take a little, of course.

I put those into my personal ad, it came back with 'no matches found'.

Sigh. Such is life.

The seat-belt.

Today while in the Kroger parking lot, I watched an elderly couple come out of the store. The cashier who had waited on me just five minutes eariler, was pushing their cart for them out the door.

They were parked in front of my car, and as my mom talked to my aunt on the phone, I observed the old man, who was obviously having some hip & back trouble, open the door for his wife, who was very frail and sickly, and let her get it. He thanked the cashier who had kindly put his sacks in the backseat, then he walked around to the driver's side. He braced hisself with his hands and arms and slowly sat in the seat.

He pulled the seat-belt around his shoulder, squinting at the pain - his wife reached over and took the buckle from his hand and fastened it for him.

And I said, aloud to no-one, "I want a love like that."

Sometimes I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder.....

when is it my shot?

what is my purpose?

when will I find the one?

will I be stuck here forever?

is this, seriously, what life is all about?

why am I so blessed with such wonderful friends?

what have I done to deserve them?

why have I lead a life so far based on helping others and not helping myself?

why do I feel so lost?

what cures loneliness?

why can't I have just someone to hug?

This is just me, on a bad day. It'll pass.

Sigh.

Compliment?

"I mean you are beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, you're.....sassy.....I'm surprised you don't have a husband. Why aren't you married yet?"

"Uh, you mean 'Obviously there has to be something wrong with you?'"

"You know what I mean.."

I am not sure if this is an insult or a compliment...what do you think?